Diamond Version #002: It's Not Rocket Science - PokeBattles
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Battle #002: It's Not Rocket Science April 14, 2009
Setting: SS Anne
Player: James [No Record]

I've always said the art to being a good bad guy is strategy.
TRAINER sent out BULBASAUR!
JR. TRAINER sent out MAGCARGO!
TRAINER sent out PIDGEOT!
So I'm always confused why we never seem to have one!
JESSIE: Used up our strategy budget on mecha and food.
MEOWTH: That's right!
Would it really kill us to think first and act later?!
SHIPMATE sent out PHANPY!
SCIENTIST sent out PORYGON-Z!
TRAINER sent out BUTTERFREE!
JESSIE: No, but they might kill you if you don't stop whining.
CAPTAIN sent out DISTRESS CALL!
What the hell kind of Pokémon is that?
JAMES used POKéDEX!
POKéDEX: The trial period has now expired. Please register your copy of POKéDEX.
Sometimes I really hate this universe.
DISTRESS CALL used DISTRESS!
JAMES suffers EXTREME TERROR!
JAMES is paralysed! It can't move!
So much for the running away. Is this my fate, then? To continue in a grand succession of unending failure, til I am torn and swallowed beneath the dusty cold earth?
MEOWTH: That's right!
JESSIE used PARALYZ HEAL!
JESSIE: Lovecraft later, emo boy. Run now.
Aha! A cunning plan, comrade! Who ever remembers to pack items?
JESSIE: Me.
MEOWTH: That's right!
Can we just go already? I feel a bout of existentialism coming on...
JESSIE was WAITING for one of your BRIGHT IDEAS!
Meowth! You're a Pokémon, aren't you?
MEOWTH: That's right!
Then go forth! Use Pay Day!
MEOWTH used PAY DAY!
...
So go on, something's meant to happen.
MEOWTH is FOURTH in LINE!
Wh-What do I do in the meantime?!
JESSIE: You get beat up.
But they're Pokémon! They're cute battling creatures from Japanese culture and they don't harm humans.
GIOVANNI: Your BOLD STATEMENT is no good here! Words will not save you!
Words seem to have got me into this mess.
Your LOGIC is INCONVENIENT and has been DELETED!
BULBASAUR shows SHARP TEETH!
PIDGEOT never LIKED you ANYWAY!
PORYGON-Z: KILL> KILL> KILL>
Hit 3 times!
MAGCARGO: Has anyone NOTICED I'm BURNING a HOLE in the SHIP?
I feel like someone out there really, really hates me today.
MEOWTH used PAY DAY!
Looks like TEAM ROCKET's BLASTING off AGAIN!
Into the FUTURE!

Setting: Team Rocket Payroll Office
Time: Next Friday

JESSIE received 200 YEN!
Another day saved by Pay Day. You think all this time travel is bad for us?
JESSIE: I haven't aged since the anime started in 1998. How's that bad?
MEOWTH received 320,000 YEN!
Another raise?
MEOWTH: That's right!
JESSIE: Another victory for the POKéMON RIGHTS ACTIVISTS.
Sheesh, I'd love to have their record sheet.
JESSIE: I hear they have a team of level 100 PUNDITS.
And we have a Meowth with two words and half as many brain cells.
MEOWTH: That's right!
Wild CLERK appeared!
CLERK says you may GO!
But I haven't been paid yet.
TEAM ROCKET does not PAY its DEAD EMPLOYEES!
I'm not dead, I'm right here.
JESSIE: Were you asleep back there? That PORYGON-Z killed you three times.
No, he just said KILL over and over again.
JESSIE: And you told Meowth to use Pay Day. Have you forgotten everything?
JAMES waved ARMS about INDIGNANTLY!
JESSIE: Ahh, how I remember him, cut down in his prime.. it's like he was standing right here...
But I AM right here!
JESSIE: Standing right here.. being very loud and stressed..
You're enjoying this, aren't you.
MEOWTH: That's right!
JESSIE: I'm sure he'd approve if I rented out his bunk to pay for time at a spa...
JESSIE and MEOWTH left!
Wait! Come back!
GIOVANNI: JAMES! Now is not the time to follow them!
Of course it is! They're leaving me, what better time is there to follow someone?!
GIOVANNI: JAMES! Stop being so literal or I'll use SING!
I think it'd be simpler if you just shot me now.
GIOVANNI: You're already DEAD!
Crap, he saw right through that one. So what's up?
GIOVANNI: JAMES, you have been PROMOTED!
I think you're confusing a word or two here-
GIOVANNI: Idiot! Okay, you're dead and you're here, what does that mean?
POKéDEX: JAMES. Ghost type. Stuck in a dystopian, Lovecraft-meets-Kafka horror series where everything is out to get it.
It means I'm never going to stop being handsome, that's one thing.
GIOVANNI: JAMES, you do not yet realise your importance. Join me, and you will be more powerful than ever before.
I guess if you're a ghost, stealing becomes a lot easier. But I'm already a member of Rocket.
GIOVANNI: I will complete your training. With our combined strength, and this second hand Mewtwo power suit, we can bring order to this ravaged, textual world.
Boss, you're-... actually, no. It doesn't matter. This isn't going to be easy either way.
NOTHING is EASY in this PLACE!
GIOVANNI: Go forth, and realise your destiny! Together we can rule the cosmos!
Ghost or not, I'm getting some food. Catch you later, old man.
GIOVANNI: CATCH? No POKéBALL can enslave me! For I am GIOVANNI! Master of Team Rocket!
GIOVANNI wants to fight!
Wh- no. Actually. I don't think so!
JAMES ran away!
GIOVANNI: You cannot escape your destiny, JAMES!
GIOVANNI followed!

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