Red: Classic Archives Red Version #041-045 : A New Age Main Menu
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| Red Version #041-045 : A New Age |
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For the first time in months, the Poké Battles Universe is free from the threat of Emperor Sloth. A new age dawns, marked by the appearance of a new trainer named Rab. All five of these battles are involved in the same storyline, as Rab (who shows up in battle #41) has an effect on the other four battles that follow. Battle #41 is one of my favorites, by the way. The parody of AskJeeves.com is funny because the battle was created using actual search results on that site. Also, Da Evolution Man's vehicle (Da Evolution Van) first appears in battle #43. Battle #41: Ask Jeeves! January 19, 2000 Setting: Game 0% / Reality 100% / Anime 0% Player: Rab [No Record] Ah… another relaxing day at home… BRAIN reminds you that you have a Chemistry assignment due tomorrow! Nooo… I wish I didn't have a brain… BRAIN ran away! NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! BRAIN is gone! Oh GREAT. How am I supposed to do my homework without my brain? NARRATOR wonders why you're still alive without your brain! Hey, I know! I'll look up the answers for the homework on the Internet! RAB logged onto the INTERNET! RAB went to POKEBATTLES.COM! Ah… what a nice site… HOURS pass! Oh shoot! My homework!! I'll go to AskJeeves.com to get these questions answered! JEEVES appeared! JEEVES: Have a QUESTION? Yeah. Just type it in and click ASK! Okay… How many electrons will calcium gain or lose in forming an ion? JEEVES: I have found answers to the following questions! Uh… what the-? "Where can I find a concise encyclopedia article on Calcium??" "Where can I find information about the chemical element Calcium?" How is this supposed to help me?? JEEVES: I have found answers to the following question: How do I get help with Personal Jeeves? This is pointless. I'll try an easier question. Why are ionic compounds electrically neutral? JEEVES: I have found answers to the following question: Where can I find a concise encyclopedia article on ions? WHAT is Jeeves' obsession with concise encyclopedia articles?? JEEVES: 10 matches by AltaVista: Ionic Compounds Hmm… that might help… I'll try clicking on that. IONIC COMPOUNDS: Are made up of ions; are electrically neutral… BUT WHY?? WHY are they electrically neutral?? Arrrghh… school starts in thirty minutes! What am I gonna do? ONE HOUR PASSES! Aaaah! Now I'm late for school!! TEACHER wants to know why you're late! It was Jeeves! Jeeves did it! TEACHER says to turn in your homework! Gulp… I… I couldn't do my homework… TEACHER wants to know why! ASK JEEVES IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHY! TEACHER says JEEVES is an idiot! Yeah… I figured that out the hard way… TEACHER wants to fight! What? Why? TEACHER says there has to be a fight or this isn't considered a Poké Battle! Oh yeah… well I spent all night asking Jeeves questions, so I'm gonna faint on my own anyway… TEACHER laughs maniacally! TEACHER removes MASK! TEACHER is actually JEEVES! Aaaaaah!! RAB FAINTED! Note: This battle (sadly) was based on actual AskJeeves.com search results. Setting: Game 80% / Reality 20% / Anime 0% Player: Rab [Record: 0-1-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Jeeves (Battle #41) Poké Ball, go!! JEEVES was caught! Woo hoo! My very first Pokémon! Gee, it sure would be nice if another wild Pokémon appeared… ...hey! I know… I'll walk in circles near those bushes over there! Wild MIDGYO appeared! Woah! I wonder what the Pokédex has to say about it! Pokédex: Please point this Pokédex at a Pokémon, and then activate. That's what I'm doing you lousy Pokédex! Pokédex: There is no Pokémon nearby. Please try again. What do you call that thing standing in front of me?! Pokédex: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. What the-? Grr, I knew these new Microsoft Pokédex devices would be trouble... MIDGYO says he's not a Pokémon! What? Of course you are! You're a MIDGYO! MIDGYO insists that he's a trainer! But look how short you are! You've gotta be a Pokémon! MIDGYO calls you a son of an onion! What kind of a lame cut down is that? MIDGYO says there's no swearing allowed in Red Version! What? You're kidding - let me try. @#!%! That's lame! I've gotta move to Aqua. MIDGYO offers to join you on your Pokémon journey! No way! I came here to catch you, and that's what I'm going to do! MIDGYO wants to fight! Okay, go Jeeves! Go! JEEVES! MIDGYO sent out MIDGYO! Don't have any Pokémon, eh? Enemy MIDGYO says he's just starting out! Maybe that's because you are a Pokémon yourself. Enemy MIDGYO calls you a son of an onion! Not again! Grr… Jeeves, use your Silver Platter! JEEVES used SILVER PLATTER! Enemy MIDGYO was hit with PLATTER! Enemy MIDGYO calls you a son of an onion! Alls I gotta do is catch me a Midgyo, and I'll have two Pokémon! MIDGYO used SCREECH! JEEVES fainted! YES! HAHAHA!! Die, Jeeves! Enemy MIDGYO wants to know why you're glad your Pokémon fainted! Hmph. He deserved it, the lousy butler. Go! RAB! Now I will destroy you just as I did to Jeeves! Enemy MIDGYO reminds you that he's the one who defeated JEEVES! You lie. And now, you die. RAB used PUNCH! Enemy MIDGYO evaded the attack! Grr… he's too small… Enemy MIDGYO calls you a son of an onion! Not again! It's super effective! No way… MIDGYO says he's going to catch you! Wha? MIDGYO used POKé BALL! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Press A rapidly to escape! That's what I just did! You escaped! Grr… stupid Midgyo… I was saving this for later but… GO!! MASTER BALL! MIDGYO calls you a son of - MIDGYO was caught! Woohoo! I got me a MIDGYO! You gained 671 exp. Points! Well, that's a pretty good haul… this Midgyo must be a powerful Pokémon. What? RAB is evolving! Woohoo… RAB evolved into the new iRAB! The new iRAB? That doesn't sound good… Setting: Game 100% / Reality 0% / Anime 0% Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 11-2-1] Last Battle: Win vs. Green Valkyrie (Red Tournament #4) Ahh… it sure is nice to enjoy life again for a change, eh Pikachu? PICHU scowls! What's the matter, Pikachu? Ever since SlothBattle '99 you haven't talked much. PICHU says it wants to be evolved into PIKACHU again! But why? You're so cute… PICHU is sick of being weak and puny! Well, I'm afraid there's no way I know of to evolve you… PICHU says you're a lousy excuse for an EVOLUTION man! Hey, YOU'RE the one who made me get rid of that Thunderstone! What ever gave you the idea that I'd evolve you into a Raichu anyway?? PICHU reminds you that you're the one who said- Hey look! A convertible is for sale in that car lot over there! SALESMAN appeared! What?? Hey! I'm the only 'MAN' around here! SALESMAN wants to- Fight eh? PIKACHU! GET HIM! -sell you a CAR! Oh… heh… sure… how much for the convertible? SALESMAN says it costs §80,000! What in the name of Sloth is a §?? I only carry ¥! SALESMAN says he doesn't accept YEN! Oh, is that what the ¥ things are called? Good to know… SALESMAN wants to know if you have any MONEY! Um… yeah… hey, how much does that van cost? SALESMAN says that's HIS van! Then why does it say 'FOR SALE' in the window? SALESMAN says it's his temporary SUBSTITUTION VAN! Da Evolution Van, eh? I'm going to take that off your hands. SALESMAN wants to- PIKACHU, KILL!! -fight! Ha! They don't call me the fastest trainer in the west for nothing! SALESMAN says it's not impressive if your Pokémon doesn't do anything! Eh? Pikachu, don't just stand there - kill! PICHU refuses to fight in its de-evolved state! You have to obey me! I have the Quad Award! PICHU reminds you that you're not its trainer! Ergh… Venomoth, go! VENOMOTH WENT! ...AWAY! ARRGHH! WHY DOES NOBODY RESPECT ME?? SALESMAN chased after VENOMOTH! SALESMAN ran away! This is our chance, Pikachu! Quick, into Da Evolution Van! PICHU OBEYED! Hmm… maybe this Quad Award has finally taken effect… It's not very effective… Hmph. EVOLUVAN, GO! EVOLUVAN is GOING! We'll chase down the salesman and the Venomoth using this van! PICHU points out that the EVOLUVAN is going 5 MPH! Can't this thing go any faster? EVOLUVAN gets snagged in BUSHES! How does a VAN get SNAGGED?? PICHU suggests that you get out and investigate. Good idea. EVOLUMAN OBEYED! Hey…. Wait a minute… iRAB appeared! Hey, it's a newbie trainer! iRAB says you nearly ran over his MIDGYO! What is a Midgyo? iRAB wants to fight! Fine. It's your funeral... Setting: Game 60% / Reality 40% / Anime 0% Player: Rab [Record: 1-1-0] Last Battle: Win vs. Midgyo (Battle #42) EVOLUVAN is VERY SLOWLY approaching! Aah! Midgyo, return! EVOLUMAN appeared! You moron! You nearly ran over Midgyo! EVOLUMAN says it probably deserved it! That's not the point! I wanted the pleasure of doing it myself! EVOLUMAN asks if you want to take this outside! We're already outside, E-Man. EVOLUMAN wants to fight! Go… Jeeves! Go! JEEVES! EVOLUMAN sent out ALAKAZAM! Oh shoot…. What's the Pokédex say about that? POKéDEX: This Pokémon has the unique ability to read the minds of opponents. When used properly by a trainer, its BLACKMAIL attack can be quite effective. Oh no! I hope he doesn't find out about that site I hacked into the other day… stupid askjeeves.com… they deserved it… um…. I hope I didn't say that aloud just now… EVOLUMAN was too busy trying to control his ALAKAZAM to hear you! Looks like I get the first attack… Jeeves, use your silver platter! JEEVES used SILVER PLATTER! Enemy ALAKAZAM was ANGERED! Enemy ALAKAZAM used PSYCHIC! It's super effective! JEEVES fainted! Ha!!! Stupid Jeeves!! Who has all the answers now, huh Jeeves? EVOLUMAN wants to know why you're happy about your Pokémon fainting! Um… go to pokebattles.com and read battle #41 to find out… EVOLUMAN says he never goes to that site! Why? EVOLUMAN says to go to pokebattles.com and read the FANFIC "VERSIONS COLLIDE" to find out! Argh! Too many references to other things! Midgyo, get him! Get'm, MIDGYO! Enemy ALAKAZAM does NOTHING! Use your… um… what attacks does Midgyo have? POKéDEX: MIDGYO is not a registered Pokémon. It has no attacks available. What the-? Midgyo, STRUGGLE! MIDGYO used STRUGGLE! MIDGYO is STRUGGLING to stay on its feet! Wha? MIDGYO FAINTED on its OWN! HA!! DIE, STUPID MIDGYO!! HAAHAHAAHAAHA!! EVOLUMAN withdrew ALAKAZAM! Go, me! Do it! iRAB! Grr… why do I gotta be called iRAB anyway? EVOLUMAN sent out EVOLUMAN! EVOLUMAN used DE-EVOLUTION SPRAY! Yes! Er… I mean… oh shoot! What? iRAB is de-evolving! iRAB de-evolved into RAB! Ah, back to my old self. Thanks, E-Man! EVOLUMAN is ANGRY! EVOLUMAN threw LEAF STONE! Ha! You can't evolve me into anything with a leaf stone! LEAF STONE smashed into your SKULL! SKULL was SMASHED! Ow… good thing my brain ran away long ago or that would have killed me. EVOLUMAN is FRUSTRATED! Hmm… alls I gotta do is attack him with anything less pathetic than he's used, and I'm all set! RAB used TACKLE! Haha! No way can that simple attack fail! EVOLUMAN was TACKLED at the 20 YARD LINE! Um… woo… hoo? EVOLUMAN fainted! YES! I defeated the… er, da… EVOLUTION MAN! You gained 3040 exp. Points! What? RAB is evolving! No, not again! RAB evolved into the new iRAB! *sigh* Setting: Game 50% / Reality 50% / Anime 0% Player: Lord Sloth [Record: 1-2-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Death (Tournament #3) Wild VENOMOTH appeared! Hnh? Where did that come from? VENOMOTH wants to be CAUGHT! Hnhnnn… what does the Slothian Pokédex say about this one? SL POKéDEX: Lord Sloth. The misunderstood evil overlord of the world, this Pokémon is highly sought after by bounty hunters. Hnh? Oh… had it pointed the wrong way… SL POKéDEX: *Bleep* Low Battery Grr… these batteries never last… You should have used ENERGIZER! It keeps going and going and going…. Hey! Is this a commercial or a Poké Battle!? ...and going and going and - SALESMAN appeared! He had better be going… away! SALESMAN says he's looking for a VENOMOTH!! No, you're looking for a battle. I can see it in your eyes! SALESMAN wants to fight! Sorry. I don't do battles. SALESMAN says he wants to fight the VENOMOTH! Fine. As long as I am not involved in any way. VENOMOTH joined you! Uh…. You caught VENOMOTH! Would you like to give a nickname to VENOMOTH? Uh… V… E… N… O… S… L… O… T… H… VENOSLOTH was sent to BILL'S PC! Heh. Venosloth's safe and sound now. SALESMAN is FURIOUS! SALESMAN wants to fight! There's nothing to fight… Venosloth is gone…. Oh, you mean me? SALESMAN sent out SALESMAN! Um… I already said I don't do battles. SALESMAN says he saw you fight in the third tournament! And I lost. I vowed never to fight again. I am a pacifist. SALESMAN says to PACIFY THIS! SALESMAN used UPPERCUT! Hah! You must have taken about 3 HP out of 700… you'll be here all day. SALESMAN is SHAKEN! SALESMAN wants to know if you really have 700 HP! Er… yeah… SALESMAN wants to COMPROMISE! Hmm… nah. SALESMAN is pleading for his LIFE! DEATH appeared! Perfect timing as always, Death. DEATH stood before SALESMAN! SALESMAN is HORRIFIED! SALESMAN used UPPERCUT! Yeah, that'll do a lot of good… Critical hit! It's super effective! One hit K.O.! SALESMAN fainted! Heh… well-played… you can't kill a fainted Pokémon, Death. Looks like your fun for the day is over. DEATH used REVIVE! Oh… I didn't realize Death had that power… DEATH prepares to KILL SALESMAN! Poor chump… but I am just a spectator… SHADOWY FIGURE appeared! DAGGER flew through the air! DAGGER lodged itself in DEATH's… uhh… Visage? DAGGER lodged itself in DEATH's VISAGE! DEATH vanished in a PUFF of SMOKE! Hnh? Who's there? SHADOWY FIGURE emerges from SHADOWS! SHADOWY FIGURE was renamed GREEN VALKYRIE! What in the name of the RSF is that? SL POKéDEX: *bleep* Even Lower Battery Those batteries sure have plenty of power for bleeping! GREEN VALKYRIE says she has come to DESTROY you! Yeah, that's what everybody wants to do… *sigh* >> Next Five Battles |
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