Red: Classic Archives Red Version #051-055 : Minor Wars Main Menu
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| Red Version #051-055 : Minor Wars |
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The threat of Emperor Sloth has long since passed, and no large-scale conflict seems to be on the horizon. So at this time of relative peace in the Poké Battles Universe, minor battles are being fought between various trainers. Jessie and James turn on each other... Emperor Sloth loses control of his Mewtwo... The Narrator itself is replaced by a clever Missing No.... Da Evolution Man battles Charles Darwin… and Midgyo begins his quest to kill his former master Rab. Battle #51: Rocket Split March 29, 2000 Setting: Game 50% / Reality 0% / Anime 50% Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 5-5-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Emperor Sloth (Battle #36) PREPARE FOR TROUBLE…. Make it single... No wait, that doesn't rhyme… JESSIE appeared! Aaah! Can't you use a door like a normal person? JESSIE wants to know what you're doing! Nothing incriminating… JESSIE wants to know why she heard you saying the MOTTO! If you must know, I'm rewriting it so that I don't need you to say it with me. JESSIE is ANGRY! JESSIE wants to know why you are ABANDONING your TEAMMATE! Hey, YOU'RE the one who keeps running away whenever there's danger. I just can't work under these conditions! JESSIE is FUMING! JESSIE's TEMPERATURE greatly rose! Well I'm sorry, but you're just not cutting it as a teammate anymore. JESSIE wants to fight! Aaaah! A fight? Where? JESSIE wants to fight YOU! What? First Meowth betrays me, now you? JESSIE sent out ARBOK! Jigglypuff, go! Go! JIGGLYPUFF! JIGGLYPUFF is DEFLATING! No! It's still punctured from that battle with Sloth! Return, Jigglypuff! JIGGLYPUFF, come back! Geodude, it's up to you! Get'm, GEODUDE! Enemy ARBOK used ACID BITE! Enemy ARBOK is injecting ACID into GEODUDE! Um… the thing's made out of rock… what possible damage could that do? GEODUDE is DISSOLVING! Aaah! Return, Geodude! GEODUDE, come back! Oh shoot… this is bad…. I guess I'll have to fight myself… But first, the motto! Prepare for trouble… Make it… um… trouble… JESSIE says that TROUBLE and TROUBLE don't RHYME! Well I didn't want to make it bubble… that's just stupid. GO! ME! The enemy's at full strength! Get'm, JAMES! I'll simply punch this annoying Arbok. JAMES used PUNCH! JAMES PUNCHED ARBOK in the FANGS! Critical hit! Yes!! FANGS sank into JAMES' HAND! Huh? I didn't know Arbok had a move like that… ARBOK is injecting POISON into JAMES' HAND! What the-? OW! JAMES needs ANTIDOTE, badly! Aaah! I surrender! JESSIE wins! You've gone too far, Jessie! Now I'm poisoned! JESSIE says you have two weeks to LIVE! But… but couldn't I get an antidote? JESSIE says that only the blood of a SLOTH can cure the POISON! Oh come ON! What a convenient plot twist! POISON is COURSING through JAMES! OW! This is so stupid! I'll never forgive you for this, Jessie! JESSIE says that after two weeks, it won't matter! What? HEY! JESSIE ran away! I'll hunt you down, Jessie! You haven't seen the last of me! Setting: Game 60% / Reality 30% / Anime 10% Player: Emperor Sloth [Record: 4-2-1] Last Battle: Loss vs. Green Valkyrie (Tournament #4) Woe is me… my precious kingdom has fallen… DARKSLOTH used WOE! It's super effective! KINGDOM fainted! Listen, Narrator--I'm not in the mood for your games today. NARRATOR used LISTEN! DARKSLOTH was fully LISTENED! Geez, the narration is even more obnoxious than usual. Must be because of this 'one-year anniversary' thing. MEWTWO appeared! Ah, Mewtwo... did you enjoy your meal? MEWTWO coughed up RED POKéMON LEAGUE CAP! MEWTWO is ANGRY! What for? Your movie is selling well! POKéMON: THE FIRST MOVIE! Now available on home video! Er… ignore the narrator, Mewtwo. What's your problem? MEWTWO says you never use it in battle! Use what? It! Just call Mewtwo 'him' alright?? This stupid 'it' thing is confusing. DARKSLOTH is confused! NO! It hurt itself in its confusion! Mewtwo, the reason I haven't used you in battle is because I don't have enough badges to control you. You could turn on me at any time! MEWTWO says that's the whole point! Ha ha. Nice try, Mewtwo. But I'm smarter than that. MEWTWO wants to fight! Ha! Return, Mewtwo. MEWTWO, come back! You can just stay in your Poké Ball until you've learned your lesson. MEWTWO is pressing A BUTTON rapidly! Mwa ha ha! A lot of good that'll do! You can't escape once I've already caught you! MEWTWO escaped! Uh oh. MEWTWO wants to fight! HEY! Aren't you the one who said that Pokémon aren't meant to fight? MEWTWO says that only applies to Pokémon, not to trainers! Hmm…. Master Ball, go! MEWTWO: DARKSLOTH! This is not the time to use that! What?? I thought only Oak could tell me that! MEWTWO sent out MEWTWO! Go, me! Go! DARKSLOTH! Enemy MEWTWO used PSYCHIC! Enemy MEWTWO is reading your MIND! Hmm… reading my mind, huh? DARKSLOTH is thinking about MEWTWO dying! Enemy MEWTWO is UPSET! Heh. Now it's my turn. DARKSLOTH used TURN! No!! DARKSLOTH is fully TURNED! Back attack! This is gonna be bad… MEWTWO used SWIFT! Critical hit! Ow… REAR ATTACKS do DOUBLE DAMAGE! DARKSLOTH, your life force is running out! Looks like I get just one more attack before Mewtwo defeats me… ...but what should I use? I know! I'll use my DEATHRAY attack! MEWTWO: DARKSLOTH! This is not the time to use that! Arrrrghh! THIS… IS… NOT… FAIR!! DARKSLOTH is frustrated! DARKSLOTH slapped FOREHEAD in frustration! It hurt itself in its frustration! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! DARKSLOTH fainted! MEWTWO gained 1305 exp. points! MEWTWO wins! Battle #53: The Return of Butch Urrh April 14, 2000 Setting: Game 60% / Reality 30% / Anime 10% Player: Butch Urrh from Tristram [Record: 0-1-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Missing No. (Battle #1) BUTCH woke up! Urrh… how long was I out? BUTCH looked at CALENDAR! URRH?? I've been fainted for a YEAR? That is so butched! DARKSLOTH appeared! DARKSLOTH wants to know how you found his secret lair! Don't ask me! You're the one who 'appeared'! DARKSLOTH wants to know if you're enlisting in the RSF! Um… I've been unconscious this past year--could you fill me in? DARKSLOTH explains that the ROYAL SLOTHIAN FORCES helps people take over the WORLD! You couldn't take over Tristram… it's infested with demons as it is… MEWTWO appeared! DARKSLOTH screams like a LITTLE GIRL! MEWTWO says it is time for DARKSLOTH to DIE! What're you afraid of? Just because Mewtwo is powerful doesn't mean you should be afraid of it. MEWTWO says BUTCH is smart! MEWTWO joined you! For someone who wants to take over the world, you sure don't have much of a backbone. DARKSLOTH reminds you that he is a SLOTH! Whatever… I can't believe you were scared of a Mewtwo. MISSING NO. appeared! EEEEEEEEEEEK!! MISSING NO. says it is time for you to DIE! DARKSLOTH agrees! MISSING NO. joined DARKSLOTH! Urrh… this is gonna be one butched battle… DARKSLOTH wants to fight! Mewtwo, go! Go! MEWTWO! DARKSLOTH sent out MISSING NO.! They're staring each other down! Mewtwo, use swift! MEWTWO used SWIFT! It didn't affect enemy MISSING NO.! Enemy Missing No. used GLITCH! Urrh! I hate that attack! MEWTWO's SWIFT was blown away! What?? This is just like the final battle of Final Fantasy VIII! NARRATOR reminds you that you've been FAINTED for a year! Uh… I mean, it SOUNDS like something that would happen in FF8… heh… Mewtwo, use Psychic! MEWTWO refuses! Urrh…? MEWTWO realizes that Pokémon aren't meant to fight! Urrh??? MEWTWO says that it doesn't want to be EVIL anymore! Why in the name of Diablo would Mewtwo say a thing like that? POKéMON: THE FIRST MOVIE! Now available on home video! ...must be something I missed while I was fainted… MEWTWO asks for MISSING NO.'s forgiveness! Mewtwo, you imbecile! Missing No. is just a bunch of floating errors! Just kill it before it kills you! MISSING NO. used SUPERGLITCH! MEWTWO was GLITCHED SOLID! How can a Pokémon be so powerful and so stupid at the same time? MISSING NO. is ANGRY! AAAAAH!! I was talking about Mewtwo, not you, Great One! NARRATOR wants to know who you're calling Great One! Um… Missing No…. NARRATOR is ANGRY! Er… not that you aren't ALSO great, Narrator… NARRATOR wants to fight MISSING NO.! Urrh… NARRATOR used FLAMING DEATH! MISSING NO. used LIQUID SHIELD! FORCES COLLIDED! Uh… I thought I was the star of this battle… FABRIC of SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM was RIPPED! Hey Darksloth, I think the powers at work here are far beyond us… PORTAL TO AQUA VERSION appeared! Urrh? EVIL RABID JIGGLYPUFF OF DOOM appeared! This is butched… can I PLEASE participate in this battle?? DOOMPUFF ignores BUTCH! DOOMPUFF used JIGGLY DEATH on NARRATOR! NARRATOR used SONIC DEFENSE! NARRATOR's SHIELDS are WEAKENING! Hello… mortal down here wants to battle Darksloth… DOOMPUFF used ACID MELTDOWN! NARRATOR's SHIELD breaks! DOOMPUFF used JIGGLY DEATH! NARRATOR died! WHAT?? MISSING NO. used LEVELUP! Um… who said that? What? MISSING NO. is evolving! MISSING NO. evolved into NARRATOR! So that's what Missing No. really is! A de-evolved Narrator!! DOOMPUFF is ANGRY! PORTAL TO AQUA VERSION is CLOSING! DOOMPUFF was sent back to AQUA VERSION! No WONDER the game gets all glitched when Missing No. appears! It must be because the Narrator gets confused when it sees a de-evolved version of itself! I feel so enlightened! Can I fight Darksloth now, Narrator? BUTCH and DARKSLOTH know too much! What're you talking about?? Anybody who visits Pokebattles.com will know that you- BUTCH fainted for NO REASON! DARKSLOTH says that the new NARRATOR is even more unfair than the old one! DARKSLOTH also fainted for NO REASON! JAMES appeared! JAMES stabbed DARKSLOTH with TOOTHPICK! JAMES collected BLOOD! JAMES ran away! Battle ended in a draw! Setting: Game 40% / Reality 60% / Anime 0% Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 12-3-1] Last Battle: Loss vs. Rab (Battle #44) Pichu, this is ridiculous! The Thunder Stone is long gone! PICHU says that it refuses to fight anyone until you evolve it back into a PIKACHU! But you made me throw my only Thunder Stone away, remember? You were paranoid that I'd make you a Raichu! PICHU says that's why you're SEARCHING for it! Grr… we know that I threw the stone into a tree, so now we have to search every blasted tree we run into… and every other one wants to fight us!! TREE appeared! Aaaah! Stay away! PICHU says that this TREE might have a THUNDER STONE in it! Look, whatever tree I threw the thunder stone at has probably evolved into something freakish like a Thunder Tree by now. Let's just get out of here! THE EVOLUTION MAN appeared! What? HEY! I'm the only EVOLUTION MAN around here! THE EVOLUTION MAN was renamed CHARLES DARWIN! You're not getting away that easy! DARWIN wants to know what your PROBLEM is! I'M THE ONLY EVOLUTION MAN AROUND HERE! DARWIN says that he came up with EVOLUTION to begin with! Oh yeah? Then do you know how to evolve Pichu, here? DARWIN says that it takes MILLIONS OF YEARS to- Ha! Looks like this guy doesn't know the first thing about Pokémon evolution. DARWIN wants to know what a PAKO MAN is! Pako Man?? HEY! I'M the only MAN around here! You want to fight! Hey, this new narrator let me start a fight for once. DARWIN wants to fight! Pichu, get'm! PICHU refuses to fight! Arrrgh… my Alakazam is fainted from the last TREE we fought…. Go! Me! Go! EVOLUMAN! DARWIN sent out JOHN SCOPES! Time to use my… hey, what attacks do I have? Enemy SCOPES used TEACH! EVOLUMAN learned EVOLVE! … um … okay, how is the narrator going to make that into a bad thing? … I guess there's only one way to find out. EVOLUMAN used EVOLVE on PICHU! What? PICHU is evolving! PICHU evolved into PIKACHU! Woohoo! Now I truly am an Evolution Man! DARWIN says his job here is done! HEY! Where do you think you're going?? DARWIN says he just did you a FAVOR! Yeah, so? You still need to die for being an EVOLUTION MAN! Pikachu, kill! PIKACHU wants to fight! Ally PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! Critical hit! SCOPES fainted! Haha! With Pikachu by my side, nothing can stop me! DARWIN asks you to STOP! Fool! Didn't I just say that nothing could stop me? THUNDER TREE appeared! Aaaaaah!! THUNDER TREE ran away! *gasp* Alright, I guess SOME things can stop me… BUT NOT YOU!! DARWIN sent out DARWIN! Enemy DARWIN used RABID BITE! OW!! What the-? You aren't one of those Evil Rabid Jigglypuff of Dooms are you? Enemy DARWIN used RABID BITE! Arrrgh! Pikachu, stop him! PIKACHU is afraid of DOOMPUFF! He's not a Doompuff, Pikachu! Just a freakish 'MAN' who likes to bite people! Enemy DARWIN used RABID BITE! EVOLUMAN needs BLOOD, badly! Pikachu! HELP! Ally PIKACHU ran away! Why, narrator, why? I thought you were fair! DARWIN always WINS! It's part of his NAME! Can I rename myself, then? No! Enemy DARWIN used RABID BITE! EVOLUMAN fainted! EVOLUMAN won a DARWIN AWARD! Woohoo! Um… that IS good, right? EVOLUMAN is still FAINTED! Oh yeah. I'm not supposed be talking, huh? EVOLUMAN is RUINING the effect! Good. You deserve it, lousy narrator. EVOLUMAN will DIE if he doesn't SHUT UP! … DARWIN wins! Setting: Game 60% / Reality 30% / Anime 10% Player: Midgyo [Record: 1-0-0] Last Battle: Win vs. Blue Wizard (Battle #50) hehe… lol… now the world will know that i'm not a pokémon… hear that everyone?? i am a trainer!! MIDGYOTO doesn't use CAPS LOCK enough! i'm a shift-button kind of guy anyway… NO you AREN'T! hehe… just messin' with ya NARRATOR doesn't like MIDGYOTO! the name's midgyo! trainers can't evolve! NARRATOR wants MIDGYOTO to die! lol, i don't need ya, stinkin' narrator. come down here and i'll kick your arse. NARRATOR is just a DISEMBODIED VOICE! NARRATOR lacks an ARSE to KICK! hey, if you're such a powerful disembodied voice, why don't you say somethin' like 'midgyoto died'? then i could go to black version… NARRATOR says that WEBMASTER won't let him! hehe… lol… stupid narrator… MIDGYOTO's LAUGHING is getting on NARRATOR'S NERVES! but ya can't do a thing about it… hehe… lol…. WATERVILLAIN appeared! hmmm… what's the pokédex say about it? POKéDEX: No Pokémon Detected kewl… this is some kinda trainer! and if rab could catch me, then i can catch this watervillain! WATERVILLAIN wants to fight! go me! MIDGYOTO sent out MIDGYOTO! WATERVILLAIN sent out VAPOREON! kewl, i'll catch it… poké ball, go! MIDGYOTO used POKéBALL! WATERVILLAIN tried to BLOCK the ball! POKé BALL went through the water! hehe… lol… VAPOREON was caught! return me! MIDGYOTO! Come back! vaporeon, get that son of an onion! VAPOREON, get'm! VAPOREON used GET! oh no… looks like another lame pun… VAPOREON GOT WATERVILLAIN! hehe… lol… You caught WATERVILLAIN! man, that was easy! Would you like to give a nickname to WATERVILLAIN? yeah, change its name to watervillain. WATERVILLAIN was renamed watervillain! can i change my name to lowercase letters too? No! hey! you work for me now, narrator! MIDGYOTO is OVERESTIMATING his POWER! hehe… don't badmouth me or i'll get the webmaster to punish you... NARRATOR is FUMING! NARRATOR wants MIDGYOTO to DIE! hehe… lol… you're powerless! iRAB will come for you! hehe… i can beat him. all he's got is Jeeves… um… is this battle over yet? It is too EARLY for BATTLE to end! c'mon.. nobody reads these things anyway… NARRATOR is ANGRY! quit saying that you son of an onion! NARRATOR snapped! MIDGYOTO fainted for NO REASON! WEBMASTER appeared! WEBMASTER used REVIVE! It didn't affect MIDGYOTO! yes it did! webmaster, the narration is inaccurate! WEBMASTER doesn't CARE! yes he does! you lie, narrator! son of an onion! Wild ONION appeared! ONION used SOLAR BEAM! MIDGYOTO was hit with the SUN OF AN ONION! ack! too many puns! MIDGYOTO needed to be PUNished! hehe… lol… hey! that wasn't funny! PUNS never ARE! why do ya always use them, then? ONION is still fighting you! umm… go ultra ball! MIDGYOTO used ULTRA BALL! ONION was caught! hehe… lol… i think i'll kill Rab soon. >> Next Five Battles |
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