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| Red Version #066-070 : Hidden Identities |
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To the great dismay of readers, the mystery of who this mysterious 'Sailor Pete' character really was (introduced here in battle #66) remained a secret until battle #68. Up until then, the answer was always just out of reach. The comments posted on each of the first two 'teaser' battles say it all. The art of keeping readers in suspense is indeed an enjoyable pastime. Battle #69 involves Mark Dent going through a secret identity crisis of his own, and battle #70 seems to have been written by someone entirely different… some 'mysterious voice' who is about to be banished into the Poké Battles Universe... Battle #66: Twisted Mechanic July 12, 2000 Location: Sailor Pete's Used Car Lot Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 12-3-1] EVOLUMAN is driving DA EVOLUTION VAN! Well, there goes that narrative voice again, Pikachu. Probably means something bad will happen soon… PIKACHU agrees! EVOLUVAN used FLATTEN! EVOLUVAN got a FLAT TIRE! What a piece of junk! It's bad enough that it can't go any faster than 5 miles per hour, but now this? USED CAR LOT appeared! Woah. That was weird. Does it want to fight or something? MECHANIC appeared! Hey, how suspiciously convenient! A mechanic right when I need one! MECHANIC was renamed SAILOR PETE! Sailor Pete? That sounds familiar somehow… SAILOR PETE assures you that he is of no relation to CAPTAIN PETE! SAILOR PETE says that he hasn't even HEARD of CAPTAIN PETE! Uh… anyway, I've got a van problem and I was wondering if you could fix it… hey, what's with that spike strip in the middle of the road? SAILOR PETE quickly removes the SPIKE STRIP! SAILOR PETE says he can replace your TIRE, but it will COST MONEY! How much? ¥80! Aww man… I don't have any yen. Great - where am I going to get money out here in the wilderness? BUG CATCHER appeared! Hey Pikachu! It's one of those trainers who gives money when you defeat them! KILL! Ally PIKACHU used THUNDER! BUG CATCHER fainted! It's so easy to defeat these guys if you never allow them a chance to 'want to fight'. PIKACHU used STEAL! PIKACHU stole BUG CATCHER's MONEY! It was exactly ¥80! What an odd coincidence. Well, I managed to scrounge up the money you wanted, Mr. Pete. SAILOR PETE wants to know why you just ELECTROCUTED his SON! Uhh… you're saying what now? SAILOR PETE says all his son was doing was catching BUGS! SAILOR PETE is FURIOUS! But look - we got the yen you wanted. SAILOR PETE says that was his son's ALLOWANCE! And I got your money back for you. You should be thanking me. SAILOR PETE wants to fight! It was only a matter of time. He's yours, Pikachu. Ally PIKACHU wants to fight! Ally PIKACHU sent out PIKACHU! SAILOR PETE sent out MATEY! Does it strike anyone else as strange that a sailor is running a used car lot? MATEY says you have a point there! MATEY wants to know why it's not on a ship! MATEY ran away! Hey, the narrator's being unfair in my favor for once. EVOLUMAN's LEGS suddenly bent the WRONG WAY! Yyyeeeeeaaaaarrrrghhhh!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF DOOMPUFF-??? EVOLUMAN is reminded who his TRUE MASTER is! *gasp* I'm… sorry… great and powerful one… SAILOR PETE used RUN! Running away already, eh? SAILOR PETE RAN OVER PIKACHU with a USED CAR! Wha? Pikachu! Noooooooooooo… Ally PIKACHU fainted! Well, it could be worse I suppose. USED CAR is now headed toward YOU! I see. It got worse. I will also use my run attack! EVOLUMAN ran into USED CAR! Uh… EVOLUMAN was RUN OVER by USED CAR! EVOLUMAN fainted! SAILOR PETE laughs maniacally! SAILOR PETE removes MASK! SAILOR PETE's true identity was REVEALED! SAILOR PETE is actually... Location: Sailor Pete's Used Car Lot Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 12-4-1] SAILOR PETE is removing MASK! Man, you've been removing that mask for a week already! What's the hold-up? SAILOR PETE reminds you that you FAINTED! A WEEK AGO! I've been living in this lousy used car lot all week just because I can't stand not knowing who you really are! SAILOR PETE says the MASK is STUCK! Geez, why didn't you say something? I'll get Pikachu to shock the mask off. SAILOR PETE doesn't think that's such a good IDEA! Ally PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! MASK was SHOCKED! SAILOR PETE felt ELECTRICITY surge through his BODY! Looks… painful. MASK was fused to SAILOR PETE's FACE! Hmm… we seem to have made the problem worse. Can't you just tell me who you are? SAILOR PETE says it wouldn't have the same EFFECT! Hey narrator, you're all-powerful. Why don't you give us a hand? NARRATOR does not INTERFERE with the AFFAIRS of MORTALS! What're you talking about?? That's ALL you do! NARRATOR suggests that you might discover SAILOR PETE's IDENTITY by clicking the BANNER AD below! Oh no you don't. Last time I tried clicking a banner on this wretched site I ended up with a 99.9% fixed Visa Card. GET YOURS TODAY! No, that's bad! SAILOR PETE is still struggling with MASK! You know… this won't really be considered a battle unless we fight something. SAILOR PETE suggests fighting the MASK! Hmm… not a bad idea. But how does one do battle with a mask? MASK wants to fight! Well, that answers that. Go, me! Go! EVOLUMAN! I'll just punch this mask as hard as I can! SAILOR PETE wants to know if you've thought this THROUGH! Too late for that now! EVOLUMAN used PUNCH! SAILOR PETE was PUNCHED in the FACE! Huh? But I was attacking the mask… SAILOR PETE says the MASK is now FUSED to his FACE! Hmm… so what attack do I have that might free you of it…? I know! I'll use my EVOLVE attack! SAILOR PETE wants to know how that's supposed to HELP! Maybe it'll become to big for your face or something. Now stand back… SAILOR PETE screams that he CAN'T STAND BACK! SAILOR PETE reminds you that the MASK is attached to his FACE! That's what we're trying to fix! Geez, pay attention! EVOLUMAN used EVOLVE! What? MASK is EVOLVING! MASK evolved into MAJORA'S MASK! Rare Diablo II item? AS IN LEGEND OF ZELDA: MAJORA'S MASK! Oh… what a strange-looking mask that is… SAILOR PETE points out that there is now a GAME CARTRIDGE fused onto his FACE! What the…? SAILOR PETE is having problems BREATHING! Should I have Pikachu shock it again? SAILOR PETE mumbles through the MASK! SAILOR PETE shakes his head VIGOROUSLY! I'm sorry, I can't understand you. Do it, Pikachu! Ally PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! MAJORA'S MASK was SHOCKED! MAJORA'S MASK was reduced to DUST! MAJORA'S MASK fainted! Well, it seems that a mere lightning bolt is all it takes to destroy a Nintendo 64 game… they just don't make games like they used to. SAILOR PETE's true identity was REVEALED! Oh yeah, I nearly forgot about that. So who is this guy, anyway? SAILOR PETE is actually... Location: Sailor Pete's Used Car Lot Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 12-4-1] SAILOR PETE's true identity was REVEALED! Right. Well who is he? I've been waiting two weeks for this! EVOLUMAN discovers SAILOR PETE's identity! And….? SAILOR PETE is actually CAPTAIN PETE! What?? All that suspense and he was Captain Pete the whole time?? NARRATOR is just KIDDING! Good… now who is this guy? SAILOR PETE is actually SAILOR MOON! AAAAAAAHH!! NARRATOR decides that would be too LAME! ...lending more support to my theory that the narrator makes this stuff up as he goes along… SAILOR PETE is actually… Discover Sailor Pete's true identity next week in- NO!!! We are not doing this again! I swear, if I don't find out this guy's identity today, SOMEBODY is going to die! SAILOR PETE is actually DA REVOLUTION MAN! Ha ha. Very funny. What kind of lame plot device is 'Da Revolution Man'? No, SAILOR PETE really is DA REVOLUTION MAN! You're kidding. NARRATOR isn't BUDGING on this one! Well then… I suppose I have no choice… HEY! I'M THE ONLY 'MAN' AROUND HERE! NARRATOR admires your EXTENSIVE use of CAPS LOCK! Thanks. Now, Revoluman - or whatever you call yourself - do you have any last words before I cut you down where you stand? REVMAN says he's the only MAN around here! What?? That's MY saying! Prepare to taste the wrath of my ally! PIKACHU! KILL! PIKACHU is no longer THERE! Huh? PIKACHU grew tired of WAITING and got away in the EVOLUVAN! No! And all my Pokémon are in Bill's PC! Lousy Bill stole them all, too… REVMAN wants to fight! REVMAN sent out PIKACHU! Wha…? You have a Pikachu, too? REVMAN points out that you don't even have one! Hey, just because my Pikachu happens to be an independent trainer, doesn't mean that I don't… uh… oh, I guess it does… REVMAN says he will now capture YOU! We'll see about that! Go, me! Go! EVOLUMAN! Enemy PIKACHU used THUNDER! Yeah, like that'll hit… THUNDER missed! Ha! THUNDER struck the WATER of the SHALLOW POND that EVOLUMAN was STANDING in! Huh? But there wasn't a shallow pond here a second ago! EVOLUMAN was ELECTROCUTED! Arrrrghhh! You'll pay for this! EVOLUMAN used PAY! REVMAN was PAID ¥500 by EVOLUMAN! I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY YEN!!! Hey, Narrator - PUNS are not considered FUNNY! NARRATOR cares not for your IGNORANCE! Enemy PIKACHU used THUNDER! I am now leaving the SHALLOW POND, narrator! THUNDER missed the POND! EVOLUMAN walked into the THUNDER! EVOLUMAN was ELECTROCUTED! Aaaaarrrghhhh…. You will pay for this…. I now unleash upon you my SECRET MOVE! EVOLUMAN used SECRET MOVE! EVOLUMAN SECRETELY MOVED back into the POND! POND was hit by THUNDER! But… but that's impossible! That thunder already hit me! EVOLUMAN was ELECTROCUTED! Ugh… I could probably power a whole city by now… REVMAN wants to know why you don't seem WEAKENED! Are you kidding? I've been traveling with a Pikachu for over a year! I've built up resistance to lightning! REVMAN says it isn't a problem! REVMAN says he is going to catch you now! Oh yeah? But you can't catch me if I'm FAINTED! Haha! I'll just dunk my head under the water and DROWN myself! EVOLUMAN used DROWN! EVOLUMAN fainted! REVMAN used ULTRA BALL! OAK: REVMAN! This is not the time to use that! REVMAN curses his BAD LUCK! Ha! With me fainted, you're helpless to capture me! REVMAN wants to know how you are able to TALK! Things like this happen here in the Poké Battles Universe… REVMAN says you can't stay fainted forever! REVMAN says he'll be waiting right there until you WAKE UP! A standoff, eh? We'll see who lasts longer… REVMAN wins! What? Just because I fainted? Soon, Revman… soon it will be not you who captures I, but I who captures you… NARRATOR says there seems to be something wrong with the GRAMMATICAL STRUCTURE of that SENTENCE! It just sounded dramatic, alright? NARRATOR says that it just sounded STUPID! Well- NARRATOR used END! But- BATTLE ENDED! Location: The Poké Planet, Metropolis Player: Mark Dent [Record: 4-5-2] ...and even as the demonic creature uttered the name of our dear city, it snapped our beloved hero in half like a twig. It was a tragic loss, but his sacrifice ultimately saved us from total destruction… MARK DENT is typing ARTICLE! Yes… this is perfect. The perfect tribute to the brave hero who gave his life to save us. EDITOR appeared! Perfect! I just finished typing up my 'Death of Poké Man' article. EDITOR wants to know why you're writing an article like that! Because it's news! Poké Man was slain while protecting our city! EDITOR used ROLL! EDITOR rolled its EYES! Uh… what's the problem sir? EDITOR says POKé MAN isn't DEAD! Huh? Why would you say something like that? EDITOR says it's painfully OBVIOUS that YOU are POKé MAN's SECRET IDENTITY! What?? You've got to be kidding me! I'm just an unusually powerful mild-mannered reporter! ...and WHY is POKé MAN's record listed next to MY NAME?? I have no record! NARRATOR agrees with EDITOR! NARRATOR never NARRATED POKé MAN's DEATH! But… that's because it was a fanfic! EDITOR says he'll NEVER let your ARTICLE go to PRINT! But… but… I saw Poké Man get snapped in half by Doompuff with my own eyes! The whole thing story is on the Internet! If you'll just- EDITOR refuses to LISTEN to you! EDITOR says that article will be published over HIS DEAD BODY! I shall not allow Poké Man's memory to be forgotten! Prepare to do battle, evildoer! EDITOR wants to fight! I don't need to fight you … I'll just stare you down… MARK DENT used HEAT VISION! Whoops. EDITOR melted! MARK DENT wins! Shoot. Don't know my own strength. MARK DENT gained 80 exp.! Thrilling. What am I going to do with this editor puddle on the ground here? MARK DENT is evolving! Evolving? Can I do that? MARK DENT evolved into POKé MAN! What? That's impossible! Oh no… now nobody will ever believe that the real Poké Man died! What POKé MAN needs is a SECRET IDENTITY! Yes, of course! I will disguise myself as a mild-mannered reporter named… um… think, Dent, think! MARK DENT obviously isn't very SMART! Mark Dent! Yes, that has a nice ring to it! I'll call myself Mark Dent! POKé MAN was renamed MARK DENT! Whew. Now, to submit this article. Any objections, puddle? PUDDLE used OOZE! PUDDLE is OOZING about! Good. It's simply a matter of getting past… EDITOR-IN-CHIEF appeared! Grr… the evolved form of EDITOR… EDITOR-IN-CHIEF orders you to stop referring to everyone as a POKéMON! Everyone pretty much is a Pokémon in this world… EDITOR-IN-CHIEF says that's not true! I'll prove it. Hey EDITOR-IN-CHIEF - what's the square root of 7,983,001? EDITOR-IN-CHIEF is confused! It hurt itself in its confusion! See what I mean? EDITOR-IN-CHIEF sees your POINT! ...but he can't let you publish that ARTICLE! Argh!! I see you for what you really are! MARK DENT used X-RAY VISION! EDITOR-IN-CHIEF is BOMBARDED by X-RAY RADIATION! Whoops. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF is reduced to a QUIVERING MASS! EDITOR-IN-CHIEF collapsed into PUDDLE! Ugh… and you splashed Editor all over me, too. POLICE SIRENS can be heard in the DISTANCE! Uh oh…. Time to make a break for it. MARK DENT was renamed POKé MAN! POKé MAN jumped out WINDOW! POKé MAN used FLY! POKé MAN flew UP, UP, and AWAY! Location: The Poké Center, Red Version City Player: Rab [Record: 3-3-0] Violence Warning: RSACi Level 3 - Not for the squeamish NURSE JOY: Hello! Welcome to our Pokémon Center! *gasp*! Hand… eaten… by Doompuff…. NURSE JOY: Alright, we can restore your Doompuff to full health- NO!! I need … medical attention! NURSE JOY: I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. Sure there is! Just stick my arm in that stupid little device that heals Pokémon and all will be well! NURSE JOY: Please leave. You're bleeding on the counter. OF COURSE I'M BLEEDING! I LOST MY HAND!! NURSE JOY: Please don't shout. You are upsetting me. You think YOU'RE upset!? I'M the one who lost a HAND here! NURSE JOY: I want to fight. Huh? That seems so out of character for you. NURSE JOY wants to fight! Uh… fine. I'm gonna be out of blood soon anyway. Go, Jeeves! iRAB attempted to GRAB the POKé BALL! iRAB failed! Arrghhh… I'm using my LEFT HAND! iRAB sent out JEEVES! Alls I gotta do is win this battle before I run out of blood… and I'm home free. BLOOD-O-METER reads 60%! Sixty percent already?? Grr… I knew I shouldn't have waited a month to come in here… Anyway, JEEVES! Use your Silver Platter attack! JEEVES is unable to use ATTACK! Why not? JEEVES is already FAINTED! Impossible! It was never narrated! It happened so QUICKLY, there was no time to NARRATE it! This is just… ugh. Go, me! iRAB sent out iRAB! NURSE JOY sent out NURSE JOY! I know I have no good moves… but perhaps I can use my injury to my advantage. I use my BLOOD SPRAY attack! NARRATOR is DISGUSTED! I care not. Does it work, or not? iRAB used BLOOD SPRAY! BLOOD sprayed in NURSE JOY's EYES! NURSE JOY can't SEE! Woohoo! That's alls I gotta do! BLOOD-O-METER reads 40%! Uh oh. Feeling light-headed now… NURSE JOY used SCREAM! NURSE JOY is SCREAMING in DISGUST! Good! Time to end this! I use my BLOOD GUSH attack! NARRATOR is feeling NAUSEOUS! I really don't care. Does it work? BLOOD was GUSHED at NURSE JOY! NURSE JOY was hit with GALLONS of BLOOD! NURSE JOY fainted! *gasp* I did it! Now alls I gotta do is get my hand in that machine before I pass out… NARRATOR feels SICKLY! Just finish this battle! I am now STICKING MY HAND in the Pokémon healing unit! NARRATOR used THROW! NARRATOR threw up! *uhn…* please… narrate my hand back…* Bleh…. G- gack… can't see right… blacking out… narrator, for the love of-- Ick… Webmaster: What in the name of Doompuff was that?? Mysterious Voice: A battle! See, I told you I could write good battles! Nobody will know it was actually me who wrote it instead of you! Webmaster: Assuming I remember to delete this text off the site before I post it…. Mysterious Voice: Uh… right. Webmaster: That's not the point, though - this battle was just messed up! I'm not gonna let you write any more of these. Mysterious Voice: Aw, c'mon… I just know I have what it takes to be a Poké Battles author! Webmaster: Absolutely not. I'm going to banish you to the Red Version Universe. You can be a new villain I'll introduce next week. Mysterious Voice: Surely you jest! I am far too powerful to be used as a villain! They'll all be killed! Webmaster: So be it. It's better than dealing with you myself. Mysterious Voice: No! Please reconsider! I… no… noooooooooo!! Webmaster: He should be thankful. I could have banished him to that void between Red Version and Earth… but that would be too cruel…. Even for him... >> Next Five Battles |
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