Red: Classic Archives Red Version #076-080 : Ominous Omens Main Menu
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| Red Version #076-080 : Ominous Omens |
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With no evil entity trying to take over or destroy Red Version at the moment, things are about as stable as they ever can be for the characters of the Poké Battles Universe. However, during these five battles, ominous omens begin to make themselves known. The rise in power of Beto Chávez, a time traveling incident, and a Doompuff sighting indicate that trouble looms on the distant horizon... Battle #76: Hacked Assassin September 20, 2000 Location: Sailor Pete's Used Car Lot Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 12-5-1] ...I suppose it's safe to wake up now. EVOLUMAN emerges from SHALLOW POND! EVOLUMAN takes a DEEP BREATH! Ahhh…. I've been underwater since July. That stupid revolution guy just wouldn't go away. REVMAN says his name is DA REVOLUTION MAN! Yeah, whatever--I'm just glad you're gone. REVMAN points out that he's STILL THERE! I don't follow you. REVMAN says you must not be known for your QUICK THINKING skills! My what skills? REVMAN says he is now going to CAPTURE you! Ah ha! Not if I drown myself first! SHALLOW POND is no longer THERE! Huh? But I was just in it a second ago… NARRATOR reminds you that IT fabricated the POND'S EXISTENCE in the FIRST PLACE! Hmm… so now I'll just… REVMAN used POKé BALL! Uh oh. POKé BALL was SWATTED out of the AIR by a HIGH-POWERED LASER BLAST! There's something you don't see everyday. NERRA-TORR appeared! Woah? Is he, like, the Narrator or something? REVMAN used MS POKéDEX! MS POKéDEX: NERRA-TORR--A powerful mecha developed by the Microsoft Corporation. Version 1.00. Critical Update Notification… REVMAN requests information about the CRITICAL UPDATE! MS POKéDEX: The NERRA-TORR AI may cause it to go berserk and destroy Japan. A security vulnerability allows a malicious hacker to alter the AI and neutralize hostile tendencies, thereby saving Japan and many of Microsoft's competitors from their imminent destruction. Download this update to fix this vulnerability. Better download that fix. REVMAN wants to know if you're PAYING any attention AT ALL! Um… oh wait, Anime comes from Japan, huh? Never mind, we gotta destroy this thing before it's too late! NERRA-TORR spots a nearby TREE! NERRA-TORR: SCANNING TARGET>>> TARGET IDENTIFIED: JAPAN>>> DESTROYING>>> Um… does that thing think that tree is Japan? NERRA-TORR destroyed TREE with a HIGH-POWERED LASER! TREE died a HORRIBLE AGONIZING DEATH! Uhhh…. NERRA-TORR spots REVMAN and EVOLUMAN! NERRA-TORR: SCANNING TARGET>>> TARGET IDENTIFIED: JAPANESE MILITARY>>> INITIATING PRIME DIRECTIVE: KILL PEOPLE Hah! I've faced Doompuff before - this evil mecha pales in comparison! REVMAN informs you that he happens to be a MALICIOUS HACKER! Eh… what a convenient story twist that turned out to be. REVMAN used ALTER! NERRA-TORR's AI was ALTERED! Woohoo! You da man, Revman! NERRA-TORR focuses its attention on EVOLUMAN! Greetings, Robotic One! You shall be obeying us from now on! REVMAN wants to know where you got the idea he was on YOUR SIDE! Huh? What are you…? NERRA-TORR: SCANNING TARGET>>> TARGET IDENTIFIED: EVOLUMAN>>> INITIATING PRIME DIRECTIVE: KILL EVOLUMAN Traitor! You dare to defy me, Da Evolution Man? REVMAN reminds you that he never PRETENDED to be on YOUR SIDE! That does it! Pikachu can use its lightning to short circuit that mecha! Pikachu! It's all up to you! PIKACHU has been GONE since JULY! Huh? Arghh… guess I better hop into the Evoluvan and make a strategic escape… EVOLUVAN has been GONE since JULY! Oh, how CONVENIENT! I just know the narrator is making this stuff up as he goes along… EVOLUMAN is having DIFFICULTY putting TWO AND TWO together! No I'm not… 40,000 LARGE GUNS emerge from NERRA-TORR! Two and two isn't 40,000! It's… um… four! GUNS are CHARGING! Looks like I'll have to run for now… But someday, I shall return! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- arrghh! EVOLUMAN was SHOT DOWN! EVOLUMAN fainted! REVMAN laughs MANIACALLY! REVMAN decides to catch EVOLUMAN! REVMAN used POKé BALL! OAK: REVMAN! This is not the time to use that! REVMAN CURSES LOUDLY! Location: Grassy Field of No Return Player: Bob "That Guy" Smith [Record: 3-7-0] 'Battle of Time' huh? I would like to petition the Narrator for a redress of grievances! NARRATOR wants to know what the PROBLEM is NOW! Why do I only get to star in major plot-related battles? Why do I never get to be in minor battles like Da Evolution Man? NARRATOR says this ISN'T a MAJOR BATTLE! It isn't? But it sounds like it… 'Battle of Time'… NARRATOR assures you that it's JUST a NAME! GRIEVANCES were REDRESSED! GRIEVANCES fainted! Oh, in that case… TIME MACHINE appeared! What the-? BUTCH URRH emerged from TIME MACHINE! Wha? BUTCH?? I thought you only showed up for anniversary battles! BUTCH says that's what he normally DOES! So… what's with the intrusion into a September battle? BUTCH decided to STOP HERE in order to OFFER you a RIDE! A… ride? In that? BUTCH explains that he grew tired of WAITING for the next battle and therefore built himself a TIME MACHINE! Simple as that, huh? So why don't you go back in time and prevent the Doompuff crisis from happening? BUTCH says the WEBMASTER won't ALLOW it! BUTCH says it would ALTER the POKEBATTLES.COM archives and DEPRIVE countless FANS of a REALLY GOOD FANFIC! Countless fans? I'm pretty sure I could count them all on one hand. BOB begins to grow COUNTLESS FINGERS! Aaaah! I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BACK! BUTCH says 'URRH' for NO REASON! Alright, so what makes you think I want to join you with your time travel scheme? A lot can happen between now and next April. BUTCH points out that PRINCESS MONONOKE should be out on VIDEO by then! Ah. Count me in. BOB stepped into the TIME MACHINE! BUTCH stepped into the TIME MACHINE! Onward! To April 14, 2001! TIME MACHINE used TRAVEL! TIME MACHINE is TRAVELING through TIME! … … Um… are we there yet? TIME MACHINE is still TRAVELING! How long is this going to take? BUTCH explains that the TIME MACHINE moves FORWARD IN TIME at a rate of TWO SECONDS per SECOND! Meaning…? THE TRIP will take APPROXIMATELY THREE MONTHS! WHAT?? WE HAVE TO SIT INSIDE THIS CRAMPED TIME MACHINE FOR THREE MONTHS?? BUTCH explains that the TIME MACHINE was BUILT using parts from DA EVOLUTION VAN! Da Evolution Van? Are you insane? TIME MACHINE suddenly SHAKES VIOLENTLY, nearly BREAKING APART! Let me out! I've changed my mind! BUTCH says if you step outside the TIME MACHINE in MID-TRANSIT, you will be VAPORIZED! Huh? What happens if the time machine 'breaks apart'? BUTCH doesn't even want to THINK ABOUT IT! Arrrgh! You tricked me! I shall never forgive you! BUTCH decides there's only ONE WAY to settle this! Yes! Battle! Violence solves all our problems! BUTCH wants to fight! Tree, go! BOB sent out TREE! TREE was TOO BIG for TIME MACHINE! TIME MACHINE is STRAINING to contain the TREE! Uhh… TIME MACHINE is about to BREAK APART! Aaaah! Tree, return! Return, TREE! Um… I changed my mind. Let us resolve matters peacefully. BUTCH has already FAINTED FEARFULLY! Oh. In that case… HA HA! I WON! That's what you get when you cross the Almighty TREEMASTER! CROSS? Yes... CHRONO CROSS! Now on sale at an Electronics Boutique near you! Ugh. It's going to be a long three months. BOB notices that there seems to be NO BATHROOM! *sob* ... Location: Red Version City Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 5-7-0] It's not fair I say! I haven't been in a battle since… May! That's ridiculous! JAMES is in a BATTLE right NOW! JAMES needs to STOP WHINING! I've been here since the beginning! I should star in battles more often! JAMES is using up BATTLE TIME with his COMPLAINTS! Why don't you just kill off a bunch of characters so that there will be more time for me? NARRATOR says that just HAPPENED during the DOOMPUFF RAMPAGE! Well, it should happen again! And again if need be! RED DOOMPUFF appeared! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! DOOMPUFF!!! NARRATOR doesn't know what JAMES is TALKING about! JAMES must be HALLUCINATING! *gulp* I could've sworn… BETO CHÁVEZ appeared! I disbelieve it! I disbelieve! BETO wants to know WHO YOU ARE! You don't know who I am? Heh… Prepare for trouble… UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ensues! *sigh* … it's just not the same without Jessie. JESSIE appeared! Jessie! What perfect timing! Help me do the motto! BETO wants to know what you're TALKING about! BETO says you must be HALLUCINATING! But… I was so sure she just appeared here… BETO repeats his earlier QUESTION! I pity you for not knowing! I am James, of Team Rocket fame! BETO has never HEARD of TEAM ROCKET! What? How could you not! We protect the world from devastation! We unite all peoples within our nation! We denounce the evils of truth and love! BETO wants to know if that was a TRUE STATEMENT! Huh? Yes, of course--We denounce the evils of truth and love… BETO wants to know why you're using TRUTH to denounce the EVILS of TRUTH! I don't follow you. BETO says if it's TRUE that you DENOUNCE the EVILS or TRUTH and LOVE, then you ARE, by DEFINITION, using TRUTH to further your CAUSE! That makes YOU a HYPOCRITE! Hypocrite? Is that an evolution of Hypno? BETO can't BELIEVE how MORONIC you ARE! Well I don't CARE what BETO or CAPS lock GUY think! NARRATOR wants to know if you just called it a CAPS LOCK GUY! Yeah… caps lock guy… NARRATOR says that has a NICE RING TO IT! NARRATOR was renamed CAPS LOCK GUY! Well, I guess I'll be leaving now… that was an uneventful battle. BETO wants to fight! What for? BETO wants to ADD you to his POKéMON COLLECTION! Grr… you cannot betray Team Rocket so easily! BETO sent out IMMORTUS! Sounds intimidating. Go, Geodude! The enemy is an IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED! Get'm, Geodude! Immortal soul that cannot be killed? Enemy IMMORTUS used FATAL EYE GOUGE! GEODUDE's ACCURACY greatly fell! Geodude survived a fatal attack? How odd…. CAPS LOCK GUY APOLOGIZES for its MISTAKE! GEODUDE fainted! Nooo! Use next Pokémon? Argh… go, me! Do it! JAMES! Enemy IMMORTUS used FATAL EYE GOUGE! I better go with the Brock strategy. JAMES used SQUINT! Enemy IMMORTUS' FINGER is STUCK in your EYE SOCKET! Arrrrrrghhh! Open eyes, open eyes! JAMES used OPEN! JAMES' EYES were OPENED! You know, it's pretty lame that I have to give myself commands rather than simply doing things on my own… JAMES has been FATALLY EYE GOUGED! JAMES is going to faint! Huh? So why haven't I? Hurry up and make me faint so that Oak will stop Beto from catching me. BETO used MASTER BALL! Oh, that's just cheap. JAMES was CAUGHT! Team Rocket has reached a new low. JAMES' MASTER BALL rolled into a MUD PUDDLE! I think I'll just cry now... Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins Player: Lord Sloth [Record: 2-3-0] Hnn… I suppose I should employ the Royal Slothian Forces in rebuilding this place… NARRATOR points out that the RSF has only TWO members! Ahh… yes. Curses. I never bother anyone else and it's my castle that gets wrecked. LSLOTH should be THANKFUL that he's even ALIVE! That is true. By the way, why am I starring in a battle? I refuse to fight anyone. LSLOTH has fought PLENTY of people in the PAST! Circumstances sometimes forced me to abandon my policy. But I am a new sloth now… The new iSLOTH! Now on sale at stores nationwide! An advertisement for a product that doesn't exist? NARRATOR couldn't find a SPONSOR for this BATTLE! Old habits die hard I see. So… when is the plotline for this battle going to reveal itself? LSLOTH suddenly gets an URGE to train GREEN VALKYRIE! Ah, there we go. I think I will at that. The battle's called 'Uprising' huh? Hnn… I wonder what is going to happen. LSLOTH sent out GREEN VALKYRIE! GREEN VALKYRIE wants to have an UPRISING! How unpredictable. The narrator's not putting much effort into subtlety these days. LSLOTH shouldn't talk about the NARRATOR as if it weren't in the ROOM! So what is the Green Valkyrie doing? I can't see a thing when you're not yelling what's happening in all caps. GREEN VALKYRIE wants to be SET FREE! Fine. You are free to go. NARRATOR is ANGRY! Why? NARRATOR says you DO THIS EVERY TIME! THIS could have been a HOT BATTLE! I told you upfront I am a pacifist. You do this to yourself. NARRATOR doesn't want to lose its SANITY again! NARRATOR insists that you FIGHT! Again, huh? Sorry, not interested. GREEN VALKYRIE wants to fight! LSLOTH sent out LSLOTH! I did no such thing. Oh, but LSLOTH did! Uhh… GREEN VALKYRIE sent out GREEN VALKYRIE! Great. I forfeit, by the way. Enemy GREEN VALKYRIE used SKY LANCE! Hnn… well, that should be enough to finish me off. LSLOTH is still standing! Great. I choose 'run'. LSLOTH ran away! LSLOTH LOST! BADLY! So you got a chance to narrate a battle. Good for you. NARRATOR is PLEASED with ITSELF! So, Valkyrie--how would you like to join the RSF? GREEN VALKYRIE agrees! NARRATOR is INFURIATED! Now what's your problem? NARRATOR says this was supposed to be a BLOODY UPRISING! Bloody uprising? Please. Only Immortus would write a battle like that. NARRATOR is ANGRY because the TITLE makes no SENSE! It's not my fault. Blame the so-called Almighty Webmaster. STORM CLOUDS are BILLOWING overhead! Uh oh. Valkyrie, you might want to take care of that… Ally GREEN VALKYRIE used SKY LANCE! STORM CLOUDS were IMPALED by SKY LANCE! STORM CLOUDS fainted! Good. I suggest we find cover under the largest TREE we can find before the storm clouds reappear… Ally GREEN VALKYRIE can think of TWO REASONS why that could lead to DEATH! Hnn… STORM CLOUDS began BILLOWING again! Hey, I know. We'll just stand here… I have a feeling the storm clouds won't be able to hit us. STORM CLOUDS used THUNDER! STORM CLOUDS' attack missed! STORM CLOUDS used THUNDER! STORM CLOUDS' attack missed! Heh… this is great. STORM CLOUDS used THUNDER! THUNDER struck the BROKEN MECHANISM that controls the PORTAL TO EARTH! !!! RIFT opened! LSLOTH caught a glimpse of a ROUND, PINK OBJECT! RIFT resealed itself! Aaaah! My heart… skipped… several beats… That… that was Doompuff… it lives in the void between versions still… I can't believe the rift reopened itself… NARRATOR is OMINOUSLY SILENT! That's a pretty LOUD WAY to be SILENT! LSLOTH is scared of DOOMPUFF! Of course I am! I'll wager you are too, Narrator! NARRATOR wants to visit its PSYCHIATRIST! You killed your psychiatrist. Not a smart move. Anyway, I just want to get as far away from that portal mechanism as possible… LSLOTH FEARFULLY steps away from MECHANISM! CAMERA zooms in on MECHANISM! OMINOUS MUSIC plays in the BACKGROUND! A CRASH of THUNDER is ALSO HEARD! Arrgh! That one hit me... Location: Red Version City Player: Immortus [Record: 3-0-0] BETO! RELEASE ME IMMEDIATELY! BETO can't HEAR you! Why not?? YOU are trapped in BETO's SOUND PROOF POKé BALL! Bah! As if I need to be reminded. Yet, mysteriously, you don't have any problems hearing me, Narrator. NARRATOR hears ALL! Well, can you pass my message on to Beto for me? NARRATOR does no FAVORS! Alright then Narrator… you just made THE LIST! No PEN is AVAILABLE! Curses… I'll have to just remember to kill you, then. Go! IMMORTUS! Huh? What? Oh! My 'trainer' has sent me 'out'! Good! I need to have a word with you, Beto! BETO wants to know what you WANT! When I agreed to ally with you, Beto, this isn't what I had in mind. BETO reminds you that he caught you FAIR and SQUARE! Ha! All you did was trick me while one of those infernal boy scouts knifed me in the back! I demand an equal alliance or I'll go on strike! BETO is AMUSED by your THREAT! BETO wants to KNOW how you plan to go on STRIKE! I will … loaf around! Muhahahahaha! BETO says you're BLUFFING! I'm afraid not. You are a low-ranking boy scout and I am AN IMMORTAL SOUL WHO CANNOT BE KILLED. How can you expect to control me when that Ash guy couldn't even control a simple Charizard? BETO was under the IMPRESSION that ASH was eaten by MEWTWO long ago! Yeah, yeah, we all know the story… Ash was eaten by Mewtwo, Mewtwo was killed by Red Doompuff, and Red Doompuff was sealed in the portal world. BUT MY POINT REMAINS! BETO reluctantly AGREES to grant you your FREEDOM! Excellent. Now, what is on the agenda for today? BETO says that HE AND THE SCOUTS were planning on FORAGING FOR FOOD! Foraging for food? But there are restaurants everywhere… BETO says they only take YEN! How evil. Well, what about that James guy you captured? Doesn't he have any money with him? BETO says you have a POINT! BETO sent out JAMES! JAMES demands his FREEDOM! What an imbecile! He was captured fair and square! BETO asks JAMES if he has any YEN! JAMES says he will ANSWER THE QUESTION if he is RELEASED! Just release him. It's not worth foraging for food. BETO says he's the ONLY POKéMON he has LEFT! What?? What about those two dozen boy scouts of yours? BETO says you have a POINT! BETO released JAMES! JAMES wants to fight! WHAT?? BETO is SIMILARLY SHOCKED! JAMES says he's getting TIRED of being PUSHED AROUND! JAMES says TEAM ROCKET will BLAST OFF at the SPEED OF LIGHT! Let's teach this guy a lesson, Beto! BETO sent out BOY SCOUT #3! Ooh, a number 3… good choice. The number 7 has a better swing, though. BETO wants to know what you're TALKING ABOUT! Merely gibberish… I just wanted to distract you while James made good his escape. BETO discovers that JAMES is LONG GONE by now! BETO wants to know why you DID that! James and I did a lot of talking while we were stuck in the Poké Balls on your belt. It's not like we had anything better to do. BETO wants to know how you COMMUNICATED through SOUND PROOF BARRIERS! Well, the folks at Yellow Version objected to the capture of James, so the Almighty One gave us a bit of his divine help on that problem. BETO curses the NAME of the ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER! Watch it, pal… even though my life was ruined by him, he's a pretty alright guy… BETO says he will NEVER FORGIVE THIS! BETO says he is going to TAKE OUT HIS REVENGE as soon as he FINDS A WAY TO EARTH! I'm afraid I can't allow that… BETO wants to fight! You want to fight? What a violent young lad you are. Comes from playing too many video games, I'm sure. BETO's DESIRE TO KILL YOU greatly rose! Tough luck, then… FOR I AM IMMORTUS, THE IMMORTAL SOUL WHO CANNOT BE KILLED! >> Next Five Battles |
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