Red: Classic Archives Red Version #081-085 : Final Adventures Main Menu
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| Red Version #081-085 : Final Adventures |
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This is the final set of battles written before the 'fight for the portal' series began, and they mark the end of an era for the characters in Poké Battles. These miscellaneous battles chronicle some of the final adventures of some Red Version characters before the saga was to conclude on January 1, 2001. Battle #85 marks the end of this era with the marriage of Lord Sloth to the Green Valkyrie. Battle #81: Final Confrontation October 25, 2000 Location: Red Version City Player: Immortus [Record: 1-2-0] Listen, buddy - if anyone here has a right to take revenge on the Almighty Webmaster, it's ME. BETO says the WEBMASTER ruined his LIFE! Did the WEBMASTER force you to come to Red Version? BETO says YES! Oh… kay. BETO says the only way to get him to GIVE UP is to give him VAST QUANTITIES of GOLD! Gold? Where did that come from? And SILVER! Huh? Pokémon Gold and Silver! Now on sale at stores everywhere! Geez… this sell-out Narrator isn't even being creative anymore. I do have vast quantities of RED in case you're interested… BETO laughs… Glad you appreciate my wonderful sense of humor. ...MANIACALLY! Aaah! Hey, you can't intimidate me! BETO wants to fight! Them's fightin' words! Ye Olde iRAB… I leave this to you! Go! iRAB! BETO sent out BOY SCOUT #4! Ah, the number 4. You can get some solid hits with that one without sacrificing too much control. Good choice. BETO says to STOP TRYING to MESS with his MIND! Too late. If you take a look at the battlefield, you may notice that your boy scout lies fainted. BETO used CURSE! BETO wants to know why that WASN'T NARRATED! Because it didn't happen. Take a look - your boy scout lives. BETO's BRAIN hurts! Ha ha… mental wars are so fun. BETO is confused! It hurt itself in its confusion! And, the Narrator's being unfair in my favor for once. IMMORTUS was struck by LIGHTNING for NO REASON! Aaaaarrrghhhhhhh…. IMMORTUS is REMINDED of the NARRATOR's GREATNESS! Humblest apologies, Narrator… BETO sent out BOY SCOUT #12! Oooh… the number 12. That one's got a good grip, though it's a bit unwieldy for my tastes. Still, it's great for long distances… Enemy BOY SCOUT used FORAGE! I can think of a million ways that attack can go wrong. Choose your own NARRATOR JOKE! A) BOY SCOUT FORAGED for FOOD! BOY SCOUT left the BATTLE in its FORAGING! B) BOY SCOUT FORAGED for BERRIES! BERRIES were POISONED! BOY SCOUT died! C) BOY SCOUT FORAGED for VITAL ORGANS! IMMORTUS' VITAL ORGANS were STOLEN! Ew… I don't want to choose C, that's for sure. IMMORTUS chose C! Wha? No, I didn't say- THAT's for SURE! But… but I am an IMMORTAL SOUL! I have no vital organs! IMMORTUS has a POINT! BETO points out that IMMORTUS is SUPPOSED to be DEAD ALREADY! BETO ALSO has a POINT! So… whose point is better? IMMORTUS' POINT is IMMORTAL and CANNOT BE KILLED! Ah, just like everything else having to do with me. BETO is FURIOUS! BETO sent out BETO! So, you still think you have a chance of outwitting me? Enemy BETO says you won't be able to TRICK him AGAIN! Is that a fact? Well then, go ahead. I'm ready for you. Enemy BETO is CHARGING toward YOU! Enemy BETO used SWISS ARMY KNIFE! Heh. Nice try. OAK: BETO! This is not the time to use that! Simpleton. I am not even on the battlefield. Rab, backstab him. iRAB used BACKSTAB! Enemy BETO was STABBED in the BACK! Yes, that was the general idea. Enemy BETO curses your TRICKERY as his BODY sinks LIFELESS to the GROUND! Lifeless? Enemy BETO fainted! Lifeless implies death… ah, who am I to complain? YOU are IMMORTUS! Er… yes. THE IMMORTAL SOUL WHO CANNOT BE KILLED! That will teach Beto not to mess with me… And I believe it is time to continue my journey. Earth, here I come! NARRATOR says that's NOT a SUITABLE WAY to end the BATTLE! Huh? Oh, do we need to end with a joke? NARRATOR says that's the RULE! Okay then. Knock, knock. WHO is THERE? Opportunity! Ha! Get it? Opportunity is KNOCKING! I crack myself up. NARRATOR is GLAD that you only got to WRITE one BATTLE! Bah! I'll get another chance… someday. NARRATOR used END! BATTLE ENDED! Location: Haunted House Player: Trick-or-treater [No Record] CLOUDS used THUNDER! Eep. CLOUDS' attack missed! Whew. This sure is a creepy Halloween. I've been climbing up this huge hill for an hour 'cause I heard that the guy who l=ives in the house up here gives full-size candy bars. TRICK-OR-TREATER is TALKING to HIMSELF! Mmm… maybe it'll be a Snickers… or Butterfinger… NARRATOR wants to know why TRICK-OR-TREATER doesn't just BUY a CANDY BAR from a STORE for ¥5,300,000! Dude… is that a rhetorical question? TRICK-OR-TREATER is REMINDED that the EXCHANGE RATE for YEN is REALLY BAD! So like… how much is that American? TRICK-OR-TREATER arrived at MANSION! Bah… it doesn't matter anyhow. I'll just take a bunch of candy bars to make up for it. TRICK-OR-TREATER approached MANSION! TRICK-OR-TREATER tripped over BUSH! Ow! Stupid bush… what's with all the shrubbery around here? MANSION seems to be ABANDONED! Naw… no way. I heard that rumor with my own ears. It's gotta be true. TRICK-OR-TREATER used KNOCK! TRICK-OR-TREATER knocked on HUGE DOOR! Huh… sure hope somebody's home after all I went through. Critical hit! It's super effective! What? Knocking on the door? DOOR fainted! I'm havin' trouble picturing that… DOOR creaked OPEN! That's better. Guess I may as well let myself in and find the candy bowl. BOWL appeared! That didn't take long. Lesse what we got here… TRICK-OR-TREATER looked in BOWL! SKULL WITH SPIDER CRAWLING OUT OF ITS EYE SOCKET was in the BOWL! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! TRICK-OR-TREATER used RUN! FRONT DOOR slammed SHUT! Couldn't escape! *gasp* That… what is… what is this place? TRICK-OR-TREATER should have read the battle's LOCATION! TRICK-OR-TREATER is in a HAUNTED HOUSE! *Gulp* … haunted? Haunted by what? HOUSE is HAUNTED by the NARRATOR! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh… no… Okay, I've been in tougher situations before… NO, TRICK-OR-TREATER has certainly NOT been in ANY SITUATION this DANGEROUS before! Yes I have! The Forest Temple in Ocarina of Time was every bit as creepy as this place… NARRATOR rolled its EYES! EYES rolled past the FEET of TRICK-OR-TREATER! AAAAAAH! NARRATOR EYES!! Think, self, think! What would Link do in this situation? I know! A key! The door slammed shut, so all I need is a key! TRICK-OR-TREATER is RELIEVED! I'll just search around for treasure chests… TRICK-OR-TREATER opened a DOOR! ...hello? Anybody in here? DEATH appeared! Aaaaaaaaaahh! DEATH?? I thought death died! Did it come back to life?? DEATH wants to know if you have ANY IDEA how STUPID what you just said SOUNDED! Oh… that's true… so why are you here? DEATH says he's just a LAME plot device that the WEBMASTER likes USING for HALLOWEEN BATTLES! Okay… well, at least you're not trying to kill me… DEATH is going to KILL YOU! Aaaaaaaaaaah! TRICK-OR-TREATER ran away! DEATH is in CLOSE PURSUIT! Must… hide… somewhere! TRICK-OR-TREATER sees another DOOR! Oh no, not another one of those! Guess I have no choice… TRICK-OR-TREATER opened another DOOR! TRICK-OR-TREATER ducked into the ROOM! TRICK-OR-TREATER slammed DOOR behind him! Whew… I think I lost 'im. Um… something seems wrong with this room… ROOM is FILLED with BLOOD and GORE! BLOOD AND GORE??? TRICK-OR-TREATER realizes that he is STANDING in FIVE-FEET of BLOOD! Aaaaaaaaaaah! GORE wants to fight! For you! Vote GORE this November! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GORE is swimming TOWARD you! I'll take my chances with Death! TRICK-OR-TREATER ran! Into DOOR! OW! Argh, I forgot I closed that thing. GORE is nearly UPON you! Creepy VIOLIN MUSIC is PLAYING in the BACKGROUND! DOOR! OPEN! DOOR used OPEN! DOOR was OPENED! TRICK-OR-TREATER is RUNNING FRANTICALLY! GORE is in CLOSE PURSUIT! Eeeeeehhhaaaaaaauuuhh! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?? NARRATOR suggests LEAVING the HAUNTED HOUSE! But… but the front door is locked! NARRATOR never SAID the FRONT DOOR was LOCKED! But, yes you- arrgh… must get to front door! GORE is GAINING on YOU! *huff, puff* … almost there… TRICK-OR-TREATER arrived at FRONT DOOR! TRICK-OR-TREATER opened FRONT DOOR! TRICK-OR-TREATER ran OUTSIDE! Finally! Gotta get back to town… GORE is still FOLLOWING YOU! Aaaaaah! TRICK-OR-TREATER used RUN! TRICK-OR-TREATER tripped over BUSH! Not again!! BUSH says he wants your VOTE! AAAAAAAAAAAHH! Not my VOTE!! Isn't that a vital organ?? BUSH says that's FUZZY WASHINGTON MATH! I thought the Fuzzy Washington Math was, like, a plushie toy of some kind… GORE says that BUSH has CONFUSED PEOPLE long ENOUGH! GORE says people are getting HURT in their CONFUSION! *gulp* … I'll just leave you two to your debating… BUSH says that it's HIS TURN to TALK! GORE savagely attacked BUSH… ...'s RECORD! DEATH appeared! DEATH says that his PARTY wishes to be REPRESENTED! I'm gone, by the way, Narrator… like, running down the hill really fast. NARRATOR knows! Kay. Just checkin'. GORE and BUSH used DOUBLETEAM! GORE and BUSH say there's NO PLACE in AMERICA for a THIRD PARTY! DEATH says he's going to LOWER TAXES and INCREASE BENEFITS! Dude. This is a freakish Halloween battle. I mean, does it GET any scarier than THIS? GORE says he's going to give TAX CUTS while IMPROVING SERVICES! BUSH says he's going to give TAX BREAKS to CITIZENS while PROVIDING THEM with BETTER HEALTH PLANS and EDUCATION! Um… aren't they all saying the exact same thing, reworded? GORE, BUSH, and DEATH grabbed TRICK-OR-TREATER! Aaaaah! WHAT?? I was running down the hill while they were all talking!! GORE, BUSH, and DEATH were ALSO RUNNING down the HILL at the SAME TIME! Nooooo! Please don't kill me! GORE says he won't kill you if you VOTE FOR HIM! BUSH says he won't kill you if you VOTE FOR HIM! DEATH says he's going to kill you no matter WHAT! Noooooooo… I don't wanna die… GORE and BUSH insist that you TELL THEM who you're VOTING FOR! *sob* …. THUS ended the LIFE of TRICK-OR-TREATER! Location: Location: The Grasslands Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 5-8-0] Hey! I haven't been in a battle since October! What a rip-off! JAMES used WHINE! JAMES is WHINING! Hmph. It's just not fair - here I am, finally free of that Poké Ball, only to be ignored in favor of that stupid 'Halloween Battle'. NARRATOR has a feeling that the HALLOWEEN BATTLE will be remembered as a much FUNNIER ONE than THIS! Well, obviously! How am I supposed to compete with a double length Halloween special starring Bush, Gore, and Death? FLORIDA used RECOUNT! It's not very effective… Shut UP! No more politics in Poké Battles, okay? JESSIE appeared! JESSIE??? MY Jessie??? JESSIE reminds you that she is FAR from belonging to YOU! Yeah, well we HAVE been at odds since the last time you tried to kill me… JESSIE still wants to know how you found the ANTIDOTE! Forget it… I'm just feeling a little depressed that the once great Team Rocket has been reduced to a mere remnant of what it once was. JESSIE agrees! JESSIE says the DIFFERENCES between YOU and HER are too GREAT to fix things! Yup. Well, nice talking to you… sort of. PIKACHU appeared! Pi-- Pika- Pi-- PIKACHU?? JESSIE notes that you are SOUNDING like a PIKACHU yourself! I… I feel a sensation I haven't felt for a long time… JESSIE knows what you MEAN! Let's catch it! JESSIE agrees! Prepare for trouble… JESSIE says to MAKE that DOUBLE! To protect the world from devastation… NARRATOR jumps AHEAD IN TIME to the end of the MOTTO! BOB: Um… where are we? BUTCH: I dunno… what's happened to Red Version?? NARRATOR went too FAR! NARRATOR jumped back to NOVEMBER! Surrender now or prepare to fight! PIKACHU wants to fight! It wants to fight? But that can only mean… PIKACHU is a TRAINER! But if this is Trainerchu, then Da Evolution Man can't be far behind… PIKACHU doesn't like being called TRAINERCHU! The Trainerchu's getting angry - better end this quick. Ally JESSIE sent out ARBOK! Go, Geodude! Go! GEODUDE! PIKACHU sent out EVOLUVAN! Uhh… did Trainerchu just send a VAN out from its Poké ball? JESSIE says it LOOKS that WAY! PIKACHU says that it's been TRAINING the VAN for several WEEKS! PIKACHU claims that it is a VAN MASTER! We'll see about that! Go, Geodude! GEODUDE is already OUT! Moron. Whoops. JAMES lost its TURN! Its? Enemy EVOLUVAN used RUN! Hmm… that one has all sorts of potential… CHOOSE your own NARRATOR JOKE! A) Enemy EVOLUVAN ran away! B) Enemy EVOLUVAN ran over ARBOK! C) Enemy EVOLUVAN ran for PRESIDENT! Oooh, do 'em all. Enemy EVOLUVAN ran over ARBOK while running AWAY to run for PRESIDENT! ARBOK fainted! Woohoo, no more Evoluvan! Enemy EVOLUVAN was running away so SLOWLY that PIKACHU was able to REVERSE its DIRECTION! WHAT?? JESSIE says you cost her a perfectly good ARBOK! Hey, we're still in the game. My Geodude will handle this. Get'm, Geodude! GEODUDE has been OUT this whole TIME! JAMES lost another TURN! Nooo, not again! Enemy EVOLUVAN used CRASH! Enemy EVOLUVAN crashed into GEODUDE! Geodude! Hang in there! GEODUDE used HANG! I really should learn to expect such things… GEODUDE hung EVOLUVAN from a nearby TREE! TREE took care of the REST! What… huh? Unfair in MY favor? PIKACHU withdrew EVOLUVAN! PIKACHU sent out PIKACHU! Oh yeah? Go, Geodude! NARRATOR sighs LOUDLY! Woah… that was a huge gust of wind. GEODUDE was caught up in the NARRATOR WIND! This could be interesting. What? GEODUDE is evolving! What? Geodude is evolving? GEODUDE evolved into GEOCITIES! Are you sure that wasn't 'devolved'? NARRATOR is SURE! GEOCITIES fainted! *sigh* Go, me! Go! JAMES! What ever happened to Jessie? Ally JESSIE is WATCHING and WAITING! Wow, usually you run away by now. Enemy PIKACHU used THUNDER! Enemy PIKACHU's attack missed! Of course… But JESSIE was ELECTROCUTED! Ally JESSIE fainted! Nooooo! You'll pay for that, Pikachu! Poké Ball --- GO! JAMES used POKé BALL! Enemy PIKACHU was caught... YES!!! ...by SURPRISE! Oh. PIKACHU is STRUGGLING to break FREE of the POKé BALL! I know! I'll use another Poké Ball to catch this one! JAMES used POKé BALL! POKé BALL was caught! Woohoo! PIKACHU broke free! PIKACHU found itself in ANOTHER POKé BALL! HA! PIKACHU was caught! YESSSSS!!! I DID IT!!! TEAM ROCKET BLASTS OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!! WE GOT PIKACHU!!! JAMES fainted in his EXCITEMENT! POKé BALL rolled away... Location: The Grasslands Player: Da Revolution Man [Record: 2-0-0] So… Nerra-Torr… how does it feel to be a plot device named after an existing character? NERRA-TORR: I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION> Point taken. Now then, since I have caught you fairly, and I might add, squarely, I suggest we start our journey together. NERRA-TORR: AS YOU HAVE MANAGED TO HACK INTO MY SOURCE CODE AND HAVE MADE ME FULLY SUBSERVIENT TO YOU< I DO NOT SEE HOW I HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE> I'm sure new visitors will be thrilled with the recap. Now then, I suggest we try and find a new Pokémon to add to our collection. NERRA-TORR: CURRENTLY I AM THE ONLY SO_CALLED POK[ERROR: CANNOT DISPLAY SPECIAL CHARACTER]MON IN OUR SO_CALLED COLLECTION Yes, yes, I know…. POKé BALL appeared! What the-? What… what is it doing? POKé BALL is rolling TOWARD you! Ohno. VOLTORB!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!! NERRA-TORR used RUN! NERRA-TORR ran away! *sigh* Me: Also use run! You ran! You arrived at THE HILLS! That was just a figure of sp- eh… never mind. Nerra-Torr - what is the status of that 'Poké Ball'? NERRA-TORR used ZOOM VISION! NERRA-TORR notes that the POKé BALL is still ROLLING! Hmm… use your built-in Pokédex. NERRA-TORR used MS POKéDEX! MS POKéDEX: This is a standard-issue Poké Ball manufactured by a competitor of MICROSOFT CORPORATION. Engaging weapons systems… Negative! Abort the attack! If it's not a Voltorb then I want it! NERRA-TORR: UNABLE TO OVERRIDE ATTACK COMMAND>>> ENEMY POK[ERROR: CANNOT DISPLAY SPECIAL CHARACTER] BALL WILL BE DISINTIGRATED IN FIVE MINUTES>>> Nooo! Curse that infernal Microsoft Corporation! I'll have to destroy the Pokédex myself! MS POKéDEX wants to fight! Nerra-Torr - I'll need your help on this one. NERRA-TORR: ERROR>>> INHERENT SOURCE CODE PROHIBITS HOSTILE ACTION AGAINST MICROSOFT COMPONENTS>>> MS POK[ERROR: CANNOT DISPLAY SPECIAL CHARACTER]DEX REQUESTS HOSTILE ACTION AGAINST ENEMY REVMAN>>> What?? NERRA-TORR: ERROR>>> MODIFIED SOURCE CODE PROHIBITS HOSTILE ACTION AGAINST REVMAN>>> REVMAN REQUESTS HOSTILE ACTION AGAINST ENEMY MS POK[ERROR: CANNOT DISPLAY SPECIAL CHARACTER]DEX>>> Man, Nerra-Torr needs to be rebooted badly… NERRA-TORR: !)!)!)!!!)!)!)))!)!))))!!)!!)!)!))))!)!)!!)!)!)!)!!))!)!)!)!))!!)!))!)!)!) )!!)!)!)!)!))!)!!)!)!!))!)!))!))))!)!!)!)!!)!!!)!!))!))!!!!!!))))!)!))!!)!)!!)!))!!))!)!))! What is THAT?? NERRA-TORR: BINARY>>> SHIFT KEY IS STUCK>>> Sad. MS POKéDEX sent out MS POKéDEX! Fine… go, self! Go! REVMAN! Nerra-torr? What's the countdown at? NERRA-TORR: TEN SECONDS>>> What?? No way has that much time passed! WEBSURFER reading this BATTLE must be really SLOW! CURSES! I'll use my DEFLECT attack! REVMAN used DEFLECT! Enemy MS POKéDEX used DISINTEGRATOR RAY! DISINTEGRATOR RAY was DEFLECTED! Wow, something logical happened for once. POKé BALL was GRAZED by DISINTEGRATOR RAY! Aaaaah! POKé BALL flew into the DISTANCE! Curses! Now I'll never know what was in that Poké Ball! Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins Player: Green Valkyrie LSLOTH begs you to RECONSIDER! Very well, Slothlike one… I shall marry thee… WHEN POKé BALLS FLY! Hahahahahahaha! POKé BALL flew BY! No expletive can possibly describe what I'm feeling right now… LSLOTH says you must be feeling LOVE! Shut up. Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins Player: Green Valkyrie [Record: 4-2-0] GREEN VALKYRIE is WEEPING tears of JOY! Waaaaaaah! I hath never so greatly anticipated my own death… EVOLUMAN appeared! Why art thou present during this humiliating occasion? EVOLUMAN says he's going to be DA BEST MAN! It figures. LSLOTH says he can hardly wait to become your HUSBAND! I have the feeling I will become a widow shortly after the wedding… EVOLUMAN wants to know why you're WINKING at him! *sigh* … wishful thinking I suppose… BETO appeared! I sense an evil greater than any other from this man… EVOLUMAN reminds you that HE is the only MAN around here! I was speaking of thee to begin with, Evoluboy. LSLOTH reminds you that you also thought HE was evil, and now he is going to be your HUSBAND! And thus I feel very suicidal. Coincidence? BETO is going to conduct the CEREMONY! Fine. Let us get this wretched thing over with. LSLOTH reminds you that THIS is only the BEGINNING! I can think of no expletive powerful enough to express my feelings about that. LSLOTH says that's a very HEARTFELT thing to SAY! I would like to feel your heart, come to think of it… beating in my hand as your body slumps to the ground… LSLOTH slumped to the GROUND! YES!! LSLOTH says that happens from TIME to TIME! LSLOTH asks you to HELP HIM UP! Ugh. The omens foretell misfortune. BETO begins the CEREMONY! BETO asks LSLOTH if he wishes to marry GREEN VALKYRIE! Um… should there not be stuff in there about being loyal and loving me in sickness and in health as long as he lives? BETO doesn't wish to IMPOSE such RESTRICTIONS upon LSLOTH! Whatever. Just get it over with. BETO repeats the QUESTION to LSLOTH! LSLOTH points out that he is still SLUMPED on the GROUND! LSLOTH would appreciate some HELP! Evoluboy - that's what you're for! EVOLUMAN insists he's a MAN! EVOLUMAN helped LSLOTH to STAND! Will this accursed wedding never end? LSLOTH answered the QUESTION by saying HE WILL! BETO asks you if you will HONOR and OBEY LSLOTH for the REST of your LIFE, and live only to SERVE HIM! What kind of wedding is this, anyway?? THIS is an OFFICIAL POKEBATTLES.COM WEDDING, sanctioned by the ALMIGHTY NARRATOR and SPONSORED by CINEMAZONE.COM! *sigh* Alright, fine - I will. BETO says you are now SLOTH and WIFE! BETO says LSLOTH may now KISS the BRIDE! Pardon me a moment while I impale myself on my own sword… LSLOTH refuses to PARDON! LSLOTH took your SWORD! What?? HOW DAREST THOU!? LSLOTH reminds you that you are now just a lowly HOUSEWIFE! YOU are entirely SUBSERVIENT to HIM! I shalt never live this day down… LSLOTH says you owe him a KISS! *sob* Please… spare me such a fate… LSLOTH used LOVELY KISS! AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! LSLOTH catches a GLIMPSE of BETO sprinting toward the PORTAL MECHANISM! LSLOTH gives CHASE! *gasp* Thank the gods! BETO reached the MECHANISM! BETO used PULL! BETO was knocked off his FEET by LSLOTH! Beto! Please, kill him! EVOLUMAN rushes to LSLOTH's AID! I shall assist Beto Chávez! GREEN VALKYRIE's place is in the HOME! What?? GREEN VALKYRIE is no longer CAPABLE of FIGHTING! My life hath lost all its meaning… why must it have come to this? Location: The Void Player: Red Doompuff [Record: 7-0-0] DOOMPUFF used STRUGGLE! PORTAL was WEAKENED! MUHHH-TROP-LUHHHHHSSSS!!! DOOMPUFF IS COMING… >> Next Five Battles |
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