VersionsCollide
The First Poké Battles Fanfic

Part One: The Arrival

"Poké Ball, GO!!" yelled the trainer, sending his Poké Ball flying toward his opponent's face. The force of the impact caused his body to crumple to the ground in a heap.
"There's nothing quite as effective as a lead-filled Poké Ball," observed Da Evolution Man, who had defeated the same imaginary foe five times in a row.
"PIKA!!" yelled a certain Pokémon whose name need not be mentioned. Da Evolution Man snapped out of his daydream to find himself confronted with a Pikachu.
"What is it now?" he asked in an irritated fashion. For some people, 'Pika' could hold myriad meanings depending on the tone and pitch of the sound, but Da Evolution Man could never quite figure out what it was supposed to mean. As a matter of fact, he was never even able to figure out the meaning of 'myriad'.
"Pika pi. Pika pika CHU!" explained Pikachu unhelpfully. Da Evolution Man gave up. In a battle situation, he could always count on the narrative text to translate Pikachu's speech. But at the moment, he was stuck in a fanfic. He and Pikachu would just have to ignore each other for awhile. A doorbell rang, suggesting to the confused Evolution Man (who had earlier hurt himself in his confusion) that he was inside someone's house.
"Probably my house," he mumbled as he went for the door, forgetting for the moment that he lived in an apartment. He swung open the door to find a caped figure standing in the doorway.  
"Yes?" asked Da Evolution Man, "Who are you?"
"Don't you recognize me?" asked the man. It was clear that he didn't, since the mysterious visitor's face was hidden in shadow. Pikachu decided to use its electricity to shed light on the identity of the stranger. Unfortunately this resulted in bolts of lightning passing into the brain of the unfortunate visitor, who likely would have died had he not been critical to the plot of this fanfic. As it was, he was in too much pain to keep his face hidden in shadow anymore, and Da Evolution Man was finally able to identify him.
"Bob!" he exclaimed, "What brings you here on such a fine day?" The smoldering body on the ground in front of him responded by giving off puffs of smoke intermittently. Pikachu, realizing that the puffs were in Morse Code, translated what Bob was trying to say.
"Pika pi, pikachu pi pika!" said Pikachu. Da Evolution Man ignored it.
"C'mon Pikachu, let's take him into the living room where he can relax," he suggested. Pikachu ignored his orders and instead went off in search of a fire extinguisher, as per Bob's request.

Emperor Sloth paced back in forth in his secret hideout. Even though his dreams of taking over the world had been fulfilled, he still was uneasy with the fact that a few of his rivals had escaped his grasp. Most recently, a mere Pikachu had risen up against him, and had succeeded in escaping.
"Death will never let me hear the end of this…" he muttered. Death was Emperor Sloth's most reliable ally, and also someone who loved to point out his failures.
"Hear the end of what?" came a voice from underneath the ground. Emperor Sloth winced as the phantom form of Death rose up in front of him.
"I don't want to talk about it," said the slothful one, turning away from the eerie visage.
"Pikachu escaped, didn't it?" he asked.
"What?? How did you know that?" asked a frustrated Emperor Sloth. Death yawned, which was not a pretty sight.
"I've read this fanfic before," he said, waving a few stapled sheets of paper in the air.
"You cheater!" yelled Emperor Sloth, "You're even worse than that trainer Pikachu and its Missing No.!"
"It doesn't matter," said Death with a grin, "You're going to die at the end of this fanfic."
"LIES!!" yelled Emperor Sloth, "You're just trying to scare me!!"
"I'd say I've succeeded then," said Death, vanishing in a (Jiggly)puff of smoke. His copy of 'The First Poké Battles Fanfic' fell to the ground. Emperor Sloth had been visibly shaken by Death's last statement. He had been having recurring nightmares about being hit in the head with a lead-filled Poké Ball ever since Da Evolution Man had escaped his clutches. He was fully aware that Pikachu was an ally of his, and that the two of them would likely mean big trouble for him. Fortunately, he had allies of his own. In addition to Death, he knew he could count on his newest ally, Luke Skywalker, to come to his aid.
"Luke!" he yelled. Luke, who hadn't been far away, stepped into the room within seconds.
"Yes, master?" he asked. Luke was a somewhat reluctant ally of Sloth's. Some time ago, he had evolved into Darkluke. In doing so, he became an agent of the Dark Side. Emperor Sloth, seeing Luke Skywalker to be a useful ally, decided to join the Dark Side himself. Luke now wished that it was possible to de-evolve and leave the Dark Side, but as far as he knew that was impossible. He was forced to serve and protect his fellow minions.
"I want you to find out where Da Evolution Man is hiding," said the emperor, "Be stealthy about it, and report to me when you find out where he is." Luke nodded.
"Yes master," he said, secretly wishing that Emperor Sloth would get hit in the head with a lead-filled Poké Ball. The dark thought caused him to grow a level. He winced as the leveling up sound played in the background. Emperor Sloth heard it clearly.
"Did you just gain a level?" he asked suspiciously. Luke gulped.
"Y- yessir," he answered.
"Odd…" said the sloth, "The only way for an agent of the Dark Side to gain a level is to do evil deeds or think evil thoughts." He now narrowed his eyes, "What evil thought did you have, Luke?"
"I was just imagining Da Evolution Man dying a horribly painful death," lied Skywalker. Emperor Sloth's eye involuntarily flicked to the papers lying on the ground. The words 'lied Skywalker' caught his gaze.
"Liar!!" he yelled, "If I hear you leveling up in my presence ever again, I'll tell on you!!" Luke gasped at the severity of the threat.
"Get out!" yelled the irate emperor, "And don't come back until you've found Da Evolution Man!!"

Part Two: Theories of a Madman

 
Bob's recovery was quick, and by this paragraph he was able to speak for himself again.
"Evoluman," he said, using Da Evolution Man's shorter and easier-to-use nickname, "I think I know how we can defeat Emperor Sloth." Da Evolution Man thought for a moment, trying to recall who exactly Emperor Sloth was.
"Oh… isn't that the evil overlord who captured me awhile back?" he asked. Bob nodded.
"You have Luke Skywalker to thank for your rescue," he said.
"Luke, huh? Where is he, anyway?"
"He's an ally of Sloth's now," said Bob sadly, "Emperor Sloth found a loophole in the Dark Side code of conduct."
"So what's your big plan?" asked Da Evolution Man finally.
"I have discovered a way to rescue Luke from his predicament," said Bob in hushed tones.
"Pika?" asked Pikachu.
"Of course it'll work," answered Bob, "It's so simple, I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!"
"How could you possibly understand what Pikachu just said?" asked a bewildered Evolution Man. Bob ignored the question.
"I know of an alternate reality filled with trainers like us. In fact, there are even duplicates of us in this alternate reality. It is known as Blue Version…" Bob's voice took on a mystical, hushed quality when he spoke. Da Evolution Man rolled his eyes.
"Bob, you come up with the strangest theories," said Da Evolution Man, "Are you still clinging to that theory that some almighty webmaster runs our lives?"
"He does!" exclaimed Bob, "The world was created by Webmaster, and we were created by Webmaster. We're just puppets to him!" Da Evolution Man rolled his eyes so far back that it began to hurt.
"Bob, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And this alternate reality thing is even more ridiculous… I say we just confront Emperor Sloth the old-fashioned way."
"Evoluman, have you ever actually visited pokebattles.com?" asked Bob, frustrated with Da Evolution Man's refusal to believe him.
"No," answered Da Evolution Man quickly, "I have no intention of wasting my time. It's probably filled with banner advertisements anyway." This being true, Bob couldn't think of a quick retort. Instead, he continued to tell of his plan,
"Look, in Blue Version there's an item called 'de-evolution spray'. If we could get our hands on it, we could save Luke Skywalker from his fate. Just trust me and I'll show you how to get there!"
"Da Evolution Spray?" asked Da Evolution Man, "That sounds interesting."
"De-evolution spray!" Bob shouted, "It can make Luke leave the Dark Side and become our ally again! Including Pikachu, that means there will be four powerful trainers fighting against just two enemies. It's a whole lot better than three versus three, don't you think?" Da Evolution Man considered this for a moment.
"Alright Bob, I'll humor you," he agreed.
"Good," said Bob. He cleared his throat and raised his hands above him, "Oh almighty Webmaster! Grant us passage into the land of Blue Version, that we may vanquish the evil Emperor Sloth!" Da Evolution Man rolled his eyes. One of them got stuck, and he had to bang on his head to loosen it. Bob looked at him disapprovingly.
"Show more respect," he hissed, "You're displeasing the Webmaster."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the frustrated Evolution Man.
"Kneel, close your eyes, and let me do the talking," he said. Da Evolution man sighed, but did as he was told. Bob began to offer up another prayer.
"Webmaster, if you can hear me," he began, "Should thou grant our wishes, I shall click thy sponsors, join thy mailing list, become thy alladvantage.com referral, and spam thy enemies. I thank thee, noble Webmaster."

Part Three: Blue Version

Da Evolution Man suddenly became aware that the scenery around him had changed. He was no longer standing in a room, but on a sidewalk outside. A convertible sped by, causing Da Evolution Man to stumble backwards and fall. Pikachu ran up to him.
"Pika?" asked the electric Pokémon.
"Yeah I'm okay," he said, guessing what Pikachu was saying. Da Evolution Man stood up and faced Bob.
"I can't believe it," he said, "I think it worked!" Bob frowned.
"We should have stopped that convertible," he said with a sigh. Da Evolution Man took a moment to take a look at his surroundings. Many things didn't seem quite right, but he was unable to pinpoint exactly what was different. Da Evolution Man spotted a man walking past them.
"Hey Bob, I'll go ask about the de-evolution spray," he offered. Bob, who was trying to figure out what to do next, waved him off. Da Evolution Man sprinted over to the stranger.
"Hey you! Do you happen to know where the…" his voice trailed off as the man turned to face him. A hook was grafted onto the man's right arm. Da Evolution Man's eyes went wide with terror.
"What is it?" hissed the man.
"What… what is wrong with this place?" asked Da Evolution Man in a hushed voice.
"What do you think you're staring at, stranger?" asked the man, who was growing angrier by the second.
"I… I…" Da Evolution Man stammered.
"That does it!" the man suddenly shouted, "You're dead!" The terrified Evolution Man fumbled for one of his Poké Balls.
"Go, Alakazam!" he shouted as the Poké Ball opened and released his Pokémon. Bob noticed all the commotion and silently cursed Da Evolution Man for wasting time. The man tried to use his hook to cut the Alakazam, but the powerful Pokémon barely took a scratch.
"It's not very effective…" muttered the man with the hook.
"Alakazam, Psychic!" commanded Da Evolution Man. The man with the hook winced and fell to his knees.
"No! I surrender… please let me go," he pleaded. Fortunately for Da Evolution Man, the man with the hook hadn't noticed that the Alakazam had paid no heed to Da Evolution Man's command.
"Return, Alakazam," said the triumphant Evolution Man.
"What were you thinking, trying to use a Pokémon you couldn't control?" hissed Bob.
"It worked, didn't it?" said the smug Evolution Man. Pikachu now arrived on the scene, preparing to shock the man with the hook.
"No, Pikachu!" said Da Evolution Man just in time. The man looked up at the three trainers.
"What do you want from me?" he asked.
"We were wondering if you could tell us where we could find some de-evolution spray," said Da Evolution Man.
"Last I heard, that punk Joe had it," answered the man, "I wouldn't go near him if I were you. I heard that some poor guy name Klash was de-evolved into nothingness by that guy." Da Evolution Man gulped.
"Thank you," he said as the man slipped away.
"We must get that de-evolution spray," said Bob, "We'll just have to wait here until Joe returns."
"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Da Evolution Man, "I don't want to be de-evolved into nothingness!"
"It's a risk we'll have to take," stated Bob, taking a seat on a nearby bench, "Watch for a convertible."

Part Four: The Struggle
 
It wasn't long before the convertible once again came speeding down the street.
"Quick! Throw rocks at it!" shouted Bob. The three of them pelted the vehicle with rocks. One of them managed to cause a crack in the windshield.
"Ha! That should get his attention!" said Bob. The convertible came to a stop, and a very angry man leaped out in front of the three trainers.
"What is the meaning of this??" he demanded to know. Bob stepped forward.
"I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience," he said, "But we're in a dire emergency and absolutely need something you have. You are Joe, correct?" Joe, still angry about his convertible, grunted in response. Bob took it as a yes.
"A friend of ours mistakenly evolved himself and we would like to use your de-evolution spray to restore him to his original form," explained Bob.
"My de-evolution spray? Forget it!" yelled Joe, "Meanwhile, what are you going to do about my convertible??"
"I'm afraid if you won't give the spray to us, we'll have to fight you for it," said Bob gravely. Joe shifted his gaze to the other trainers standing there.
"You want to battle?" asked Joe with a sinister grin, "Fine then. You've got yourself a fight!" With that, Joe grabbed three Poké Balls and threw them at his opponents.
"Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, Electabuzz, go!" he commanded. Da Evolution Man gasped.
"How can he send out three Pokémon at once?" he asked.
"These things tend to happen in Blue Version," explained Bob, sending out his Clefairy. Da Evolution Man sent out his Alakazam, and Pikachu its Missing No. While Missing No. was single-handedly defeating all the enemy Pokémon, Joe took the opportunity to ready his de-evolution spray.
"Fools!" he yelled, "Now I shall de-evolve you into nothingness!" Da Evolution Man winced and prepared for the worst, but the de-evolution spray was suddenly knocked out of Joe's hand.
"What the-?" a confused Joe now realized that a branch from a nearby tree had swung close enough to knock the de-evolution spray out of his hand.
"Leave them alone," said the tree. Bob stared in awe at the tree.
"Did it just… speak?" he asked.
"Yeah, it's no biggie," said Da Evolution Man, "I've seen a few talking trees in my life." While Bob and Da Evolution Man were wasting time talking about the tree, Pikachu grabbed the de-evolution spray.
"Oh no you don't!" Joe ran to his convertible, hit the accelerator and drove straight toward the helpless Pokémon. Pikachu froze in the street in terror. Joe grinned at the thought of the roadkill he was about to create.
"Noooooooooo!!" yelled the tree, diving between Pikachu and the convertible. Joe tried to hit the brakes, but it was too late. He collided with the tree, hitting his head hard on the steering wheel. Fortunately an airbag opened up afterwards, which soaked up most of the blood quite nicely.
"I do believe that I have now seen everything," said Da Evolution Man. Bob was so shocked all he could do was nod. Pikachu, once it realized that it was not in fact going to die, brought the de-evolution spray back to Da Evolution Man.
"Good job, Pikachu," he said, "I knew I could count on you."
"Pika," said Pikachu.

"Luke Skywalker! Did you find them?" asked Emperor Sloth. Luke shook his head.
"I looked everywhere," said Luke, "But I couldn't find them." Emperor Sloth had suspected as much. His enemies were apparently hiding from him.
"Well, if they're hiding I doubt they'll cause much trouble," he said, "Luke, you're dismissed." Luke left the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He had overheard the conversation between Bob and Da Evolution Man before they transported themselves into Blue Version. He knew of their plans to de-evolve him, and he was hoping they'd be successful.

"Ah… it sure is nice to be back home," said Da Evolution Man. Bob nodded.
"So now we can finally face Emperor Sloth, right?" asked Da Evolution Man. Bob nodded again.
"So now this fanfic is over, right?" asked Da Evolution Man. Bob nodded once more, and the fanfic ended.

 

The End

http://www.pokebattles.com
Published December 25, 1999