The Alberton's Supermarket just on the outskirts of what once was commonly known as the Old World had seen better days.

It had been weeks since Crono and Magus had stopped there to do some shopping and got more than they bargained for. The Umbrella Corporation had apparently been using the Supermarket as a front for their illegal bioweapon research program. To make a long fanfic short, the market was now overrun by zombies, including Crono himself, and Magus was running out of places to hide.

"We know you're in there!" growled the zombie dogs, who were actually a lot smarter than the zombie humans, "Come out or else we'll eat you!"

"You'll eat me anyway!" called out Magus from inside the giant freezer.

"Well, he's got us figured out," one of the dogs shrugged its shoulders, pieces of skin slaking off as it did so, "Sick the humans on him." Another dog blew a whistle which could only be heard by puny human ears.

"Braiiiiiinsssssss…" Zombie Crono was the first to respond. Magus watched in horror as the zombified version of his former enemy turned former friend and now turned enemy again stumbled out of an awkward sentence and toward the freezer. His disfigured hand reached forward to open the freezer door. Magus shut his eyes and prepared for the worst.

But the worst never came.

Magus opened his eyes to find Crono had vanished, as had the dogs.

"Deus Ex Machina?" Magus thought aloud, "Would the author really do that for me? I guess I'm not so expendable after all! Yes! The author likes me! He really likes me! I am invincible!!"

With that, Magus suddenly ceased to exist.

"It's about time you guys showed up!!" barked Sergeant Lovelady, "We've been out here for weeks! WEEKS!" He was referring to the S.W.A.T. team that he had requested at the outset of the standoff outside Alberton's Supermarket. If he knew the extent of the situation, he might have made the better decision to request a biohazard specialist team. Still, S.W.A.T. would be more effective than his fellow police officers.

"We're sorry for the delay," the S.W.A.T. commanding officer was the first to reply to the sergeant, "There was an incident with Microsoft Corporation and an evil X-Box. I'm Jenny, by the way."

"Nice to meet you, Officer Jenny," Lovelady's harsh demeanor quickly dissolving in the presence of the green-haired anime woman, "I take it the situation with the X-Box was resolved?"

"Not really, we just gave up after awhile. Now, what can we do for you here?" Jenny ran her hand through her green hair and blinked her large anime eyes at the sergeant.

"I uhh…" Lovelady trailed off.

"Sergeant?"

"Right," Lovelady shook free of his sudden love for the lady before him, "We need your assistance with the Albertson's Supermarket behind me which I will now vaguely gesture at without turning around. It's apparently overrun by zombies." The sergeant vaguely gestured behind him without turning around, as promised.

"Uhm, Sergeant? There…"

"Don't question my orders! Get your team on it right now!" Lovelady quickly shifted back to his normal boorish personality.

"But, there isn't…"

"Cansarnit, woman! When I give an order, I expect it to be followed without question! I don't care what regulations or rules you think I'm breaking; we need this situation resolved now!"

"Sergeant, there is no Albertson's Supermarket here!" Jenny finally managed to say. Sergeant Lovelady slowly turned around. Where once there was Albertson's stood a vast nothingness.

"But… but… it was right here…" Lovelady squeaked, "I… we've had it surrounded for weeks! I'm not crazy, I… ask any of my officers!"

"What officers?" asked Jenny, "You're the only one out here." The sergeant looked around desperately, but found none of his comrades.

"What… what's happening?" he grabbed Jenny, "I'm not crazy! It was here! All of it! The supermarket was infested by zombies!"

"Please don't grab me there," Jenny admonished the sergeant as she removed his hands from her body, "And you better come up with an explanation for what you were doing out here in the middle of nowhere while you should have been on duty."

"Middle of nowhere?" the sergeant looked sick, "There was a whole city here! Where the hell did it go? What did you do with it!" he desperately drew his gun, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT??"

There was no reply.

There was no Jenny.

Sergeant Lovelady stood alone, in the middle of nowhere, talking to no one.

"I… I've lost my mind…" Lovelady mumbled. This became quite literally true in the moment following, when his mind and body spontaneously ceased to exist.

Garry Kasparov had seen better days.

As it turned out, Kasparov was now the only person standing between a giant X-Box commanded by the evil Jamaican Butler-Hacker known as Hack Kor and their evil plot to destroy the entire world. The X-Box had already transformed four people into controllers so up to four players could now enjoy X-Box's nefarious games. Chess Master Garry Kasparov wasn't going to let that happen to anyone else.

"I t0ld j00," Hack Kor repeated, "Th3r3 ar3 0nly 4 c0ntr0ll3r p0rts. W3'r3 d0n3 n0w."

"What, do you take me for some kind of an idiot?" Kasparov firmly held his ground, "You've only captured four pieces -- most of them pawns! Your game has scarcely begun! And you're certainly nowhere near Checkmate!" Hack Kor paused for a moment.

"Yeah but I g0t y0ur qu33n."

"You think that matters?" Kasparov assumed Hack Kor was classifying Green Valkyrie, who had been transformed into an X-Box controller along with her new husband John Movius, as a queen. The chess master quickly produced a Chess Set from within the folds of his cape. The black pieces were missing a queen and three pawns. "If you can beat me at this game of Chess which accurately represents the realworld scenario, it will prove that you are right! However, if you can't…"

"j00 m4k3 no s3nse!!" a suddenly enraged Hack Kor screeched, "I'm n0t pl4y1ng y0ur g4m3! Pr3p4re to b3 d3str0yed!" The X-Box began to boot up. Kasparov didn't have much time.

"Wait!" the desperate Chess Master cried, "What's that behind you?"

"Li3k I'm f4ll1ng f0r th4t 0n3," Hack Kor scoffed.

"Ah ha! But you are doomed either way!" exclaimed a suddenly jubilant Kasparov, "There are only two possible story devices the author can use here. If you don't look behind you, something will in fact be there, for comedic effect. However if you do look behind you, I will seize the opportunity to escape. In either case, the non-expendable character known as Garry Kasparov is saved! That, my friend, is called Checkmate!" Hack Kor paused.

"Wait," he said hesitantly, "Th4t isn't ch3ckm4te… I th1nk th3r3's a m0v3… n0 w4it… c4us3 y0ur bish0p I can't… n000…" Hack Kor's confusion must have made it difficult for him to exist, because at this moment that was precisely what he stopped doing. X-Box now stood alone.

"Wow… I guess he did have a move after all," mused Kasparov, "Well, X-Box is harmless without Hack Kor at the helm."

"THINK AGAIN!" the giant X-Box boomed moments before it stopped existing. Kasparov began to sense that something was amiss.

"This can't be right…" a twinge of fear began to creep into his voice. He hadn't removed the queen and pawns from that Chess set, had he? They had just disappeared. Kasparov began to mutter to himself. He wasn't good at dealing with opponents he couldn't see, but he was beginning to suspect that was exactly what he was up against. He didn't have much more time to think, however, because the four controllers on the ground, now free of the X-Box and Hack Kor, began to morph back into their original forms.

"Urrahhnnnnnnuuurrruuunnnn…" John Movius grunted, "Thank Narrator that's over with."

"Oh gentle sir… thank goodness you're okay!" Green Valkyrie stretched her newfound arms by wrapping them around Movius, "I was worried about you… sorry for killing you so many times in Halo, by the way."

"All of this makes me feel very aggressive," the hulking Adam Deadmarsh noted, brandishing his hockey stick as if it were an old friend.

"I'm not sure I even remember who I am," said a confused Da Camera Man, "Who do we have to thank for our rescue?"

"Oh that would be me," announced Kasparov, "But there are more impor--" He was suddenly cut off as Adam Deadmarsh swiftly showed his appreciation by brandishing his old friend Kasparov like a hockey stick.

"Uhmm, thanks Deadmarsh," the Chess Master felt unnecessarily woozy, "Now listen. Something very strange is happening which I can't quite explain. Things are… disappearing."

"Disappearing?" John Movius wasn't particularly pleased that his X-Box crisis was about to be followed up by another one.

"Yes, it's difficult to explain," Kasparov scrunched his face as he sought to find the right words, "It's as if things are spontaneously non-existing, or something."

"Spontaneously non-existing? I do believe you've finally lost your mind, Kasparov," Da Camera Man had a hearty laugh at Kasparov's expense just before being promptly engulfed in non-existence.

"See, that--" Kasparov gestured at the area where Da Camera Man had been standing seconds earlier, "Is what I've been trying to explain to you!" The other three former controllers stared wide-eyed at Da Camera Man's nothingness.

"All of this makes me feel very aggressive," commented the always helpful Deadmarsh.

"Okay, clearly this-- what's the word I'm looking for?--" John Movius mused, "Oh yes. Clearly this sucks. But what can we possibly do about it? At least with Doompuff we knew how to run away. But this… I don't even know what this is!"

"Calm down," said Kasparov, "Let's not panic. As long as we exist, there must be something we can do. Now, for the sake of being able to discuss the problem, we must name it. I suggest we call our new foe The Nothing."

"...oh, like in The NeverEnding Story," said Deadmarsh, "Cool. It's just like the movie." Kasparov immediately blitzkrieged the hockey player with questions.

"This happens in a movie on Earth? The same way? How does it end? HOW DOES IT END??"

"It's weird," Deadmarsh shrugged, "See like, the movie was actually a book that a kid was reading, and the only person who could stop The Nothing was the person actually reading the story. So the kid realizes this and gets sucked into the world at the last second. Or something." Kasparov hesitated a moment. He slowly turned his head and looked through the computer monitor at the person reading the fanfic at this very moment.

"Oh, right. Like we can rely on that loser," the Chess Master spat, "We'll have to think of something else."

"What about Emperor Sloth?" suggested the valkyrie, "He always seems to have a copy of the fanfic. He should know what the future holds."

"Good idea," agreed Kasparov, "Let's hurry, before he stops existing too."

Lord Sloth's castle ruins had seen better days.

The favorite hangout of the Royal Slothian Forces, which consisted primarily of Lord Sloth and Emperor Sloth, was once a great castle. During the great Doompuff crisis, the castle was leveled and had since been known as the castle ruins. Now, it appeared that they would soon be known forever as the castle nothingness; unless of course another Doompuff struck and they became the castle nothingness ruins. But that was unlikely.

"Are we too late?" a concerned John Movius broke into a run, looking for any sign of the castle ruins which had been a landmark in Red Version for as long as he could remember.

"I don't see any sign of… wait… I see something!" Green Valkyrie pointed off into the distance. Kasparov squinted. "Someone's out there." It was, as it turned out, Emperor Sloth. He too was searching for the ruins, thinking he had somehow misplaced them.

"Garry Kasparov and his entourage," Emperor Sloth observed as the group approached him, "To what do I owe the honor of your visit?"

"Sloth, this is a matter of vital urgency," Kasparov wasted no time, "We need to see your copy of Fanfic VI immediately!"

"Whatever for?" asked a bemused Sloth, "Is something the matter?"

"I'll show you something the matter you little--" Deadmarsh had to be physically restrained by Movius and Valkyrie so that he wouldn't bash the sloth's squishy head in.

"The entire universe is disappearing!" Kasparov throttled the sloth, "We need to see your fanfic to figure out how to stop it!" Emperor Sloth blessed the group's ears with the most obnoxious guffaw in the history of slothkind.

"Entire universe disappearing?" he continued to chuckle, "I've heard some whoppers in my day, but that one takes the cake."

"Why the hell would I make that up?" asked Kasparov incredulously, "Don't you think it's strange that you can't find the castle ruins? It's because they're gone, sloth. Gone gone!" Emperor Sloth abruptly stopped chuckling.

"How did you know I couldn't find…" he began, but trailed off when he noticed that Movius and Valkyrie no longer had to restrain Deadmarsh. Deadmarsh was no longer there. "What… what happened to the aggressive guy?"

"He stopped existing," said Kasparov evenly, "Now do you have the fanfic or not because the entire fate of the universe probably depends on it." The sloth hesitantly grabbed some stapled sheets of paper from his back pocket. The title on the coversheet read The NeverEnding Fanfic.

"That's it!" exclaimed Green Valkyrie excitedly, "Hand it over!"

"Now hold on now…" Emperor Sloth was now dead-serious, "Let me take a look at it first."

"Just tell us how it ends!" Kasparov was becoming impatient. He didn't feel that he could spare the time to fight the sloth, considering a typical Chess game lasts a half hour. Emperor Sloth flipped the pages and began to read.

"What does it say!!" bellowed John Movius, fearing that at any moment he might stop existing, which, at that moment, he did.

"Damn it we're dropping like flies!" Kasparov was becoming agitated, "Sloth!"

"Don't rush me!" the slow-reading sloth began to put the story together, "It looks like the universe is disappearing because the Webmaster, Matt Beswick, is no longer updating. Worse, the entire multiverse appears to be affected, since nobody updates their sites when Red Version is idle."

"How do we learn all that?" asked Valkyrie.

"...because I tell you, right now," explained the sloth, continuing to read, "Apparently the only way to stop The Nothing is to somehow cause Red Version to update.

"How on Earth do we do that??" asked a bewildered Valkyrie.

"You answered your own question," replied Kasparov, "We must go to Earth."

"No…" said Sloth as he continued to read, "We try that, but Matt Beswick has sealed off the portal from Red to Earth. Apparently he didn't want to risk another Doompuff escaping into the real world."

"The end, Sloth, just tell us what happens at the end!" Kasparov was prepared to strangle the sloth if necessary so that he could see the fanfic himself. The sloth quickly turned to the last page. Suddenly, his face went ashen white, which looked really bizarre considering that he was a sloth.

"What is it?" asked Valkyrie, "What happens?"

"Nothing," said Sloth slowly, "Nothing happens…"

"What are you talking about? How does the story end??" Kasparov allowed a twinge of fear to register in his voice.

"It… it doesn't," replied the sloth, holding up a blank page, "This story has no ending!"

Garry Kasparov, Green Valkyrie, and Emperor Sloth were running desperately. They had no plan. They had no hope. All they could do was run toward the Path Between Worlds -- the center of the Red Version world and the only place where it was possible to travel to areas of the multiverse outside Red Version. Bob "That Guy" Smith once used a portal to travel to Aqua Version from this location, back when the area was known as The Forest of No Return. The three realized there was little chance of escape if what Emperor Sloth read in the fanfic was true -- that The Nothing was assaulting the entire multiverse -- but it was the only thing they could think to try.

Within an hour they arrived at that legendary place. A war had been fought here not long ago; a war that seemed so pointless now that the whole world was vanishing before their eyes.

"We are but pawns on a vanishing chessboard," muttered Kasparov dishearteningly.

"Oh…!" Valkyrie suddenly gasped as she stared off into the distance. Up ahead, where New World used to reside, was now an empty void. "All of New World is… gone!"

"Holy crap do not look behind you!" advised a startled Lord Sloth. This, of course, prompted the other two to look back at where they had come from. All of Old World had vanished into The Nothing as well. Only the path between world remained, and it was shrinking fast.

"We need to get out of here," Kasparov stated the obvious.

"We can open any of a hundred portals to a hundred different universes here," said Valkyrie, "but if The Nothing has claimed them all then it's suicide!"

"We don't know that for sure!" argued Kasparov, "Perhaps some of them were spared…"

"The Network sites update even less than Red Version," said Sloth, "We're probably the last souls in the entire multiverse."

"To stay here is certain death," stated Kasparov, "If there's even a small chance that there's one place that's safe from The Nothing, I'm going to take it. Who's with me?" Green Valkyrie and Emperor Sloth looked around. The land they were standing on was rapidly shrinking. Within minutes, all three would be engulfed in The Nothing.

"...we're with you." They said together. With that, Green Valkyrie said a quick magical incantation. One hundred portals opened, and Emperor Sloth no longer existed.

"DAMN IT!" a frustrated Kasparov exclaimed, "We're going! NOW!" With that, the last two Red Version survivors took a leap of faith.

The hopes and dreams of mankind faded.

Red Version ceased to exist.



When this fanfic was originally posted, the only active Network site was Ocean Version. Readers were expected to discover on their own that the rest of the fanfic was on the Ocean Version website.

You can now read the rest of the fanfic below.

Ocean Version's ocean had seen better days.

A storm was brewing, and the waters were getting rough. Off in the distance dark storm clouds loomed ominously, because 'ominously' is just about the only adverb that goes with the word 'loomed'.

Garry Kasparov and Green Valkyrie flew out of the Ocean Version portal, finding themselves suddenly in very real danger of drowning in what appeared to be a large ocean.

"We are… the luckiest… people… ever!" shouted Kasparov as he repeatedly struggled to come up for air. He of course was referring to the fact that he and Valkyrie still existed, not the fact that they were fighting for their lives at that moment.

"I don't see any land!" Valkyrie shouted back. The choppy waters were quickly increasing the distance between the chess master and herself. She fought to swim toward him.

"I suggest we move in L-shaped patterns!" advised Kasparov, doing likewise to stay near Valkyrie, "That way we can jump over the water!"

"I don't know how to do that!" Valkyrie finally managed get close enough to Kasparov to grab his hand. He instantly pulled her underwater.

"Stpppp trrnnngg.. Tt klllll mmm!!" she cried out desperately underwater. Kasparov shook himself free of Valkyrie's deathlike grip and both of them resurfaced.

"I can't swim with one arm!!" the irritated Chess Master said as he gulped in fresh oxygen, which was sadly mixed with hydrogen because he was once again underwater.

"Kasparov?" Valkyrie looked around but could find no sign of him. She did spot a DVD box set labeled SLIDERS: THE COMPLETE THIRD SEASON floating in the water, however. "Hey, they have Sliders DVDs in this universe."

"GAASSSSSP!" Kasparov pronounced the word instead of actually gasping as he resurfaced.

"If we don't find land soon, you're going to die!" Valkyrie pointed out as she continued to effortlessly stay afloat, despite her heavy armor.

"Never fear!" came a voice from behind them, "OS is here!" A man who we will call 'OS' (just this one time) was floating in a life raft just a few yards from the two Red Version refugees.

"You know you'd think we would have seen him earlier," Kasparov mused as he gulped in more ocean water.

"Just get in the raft, Chessman." Valkyrie advised.

"A healthy lungful of ocean water never hurt anybody!" Kasparov grinned as the stranger helped him and his green companion into the raft.

"Who are you, anyway?" Valkyrie asked of the man who had saved Kasparov's life, "And where in blazes did you come from?"

"You can call me Osilver. As for where I came from… that is difficult to answer."

"There must be some kind of story for why you're out in a raft in the middle of the ocean," Kasparov deduced using his profound Chess logic.

"You know you'd think so," Osilver shrugged his shoulders, "But to be honest I don't ever know what's going on around here. It's a very confusing world I live in."

"Which world is this?" asked Kasparov, "We pretty much jumped blindly."

"You're in Ocean Version," replied Osilver, "...did you say you jumped blindly?"

"Yeah, we were told by a certain sloth that the entire Poké Battles Multiverse had been swallowed by The Nothing," explained Kasparov, "I guess we found the one place that wasn't."

"Or Sloth was lying," Valkyrie added.

"Why would he do that?" Kasparov couldn't imagine that someone with a name like Emperor Sloth would ever say or do anything remotely deceptive. "After all, in Chess, there is no secret information."

"He's a sloth; he doesn't need a reason," Valkyrie was getting tired of Kasparov's relentless Chess logic, "Anyway, Osilver, is there any way to get to Earth from here?"

"Why certainly m'lady," Osilver produced a magic wand and waved it in the air, "You simply follow the yellow brick road!" Now the three of them were on land. A yellow-brick road stretched on for miles in the distance.

"What the…?" Garry Kasparov very suddenly felt stupid sitting in a raft, "That didn't make any sense at all."

"Like I said," Osilver's voice was grim, "You're in Ocean Version."

They had walked for hours on that accursed Yellow Brick Road, and there was still no sign of the castle which Osilver had assured them would be at the end of the road.

"The great wizard of Ocean lives there," Osilver had spoken reverently, "He and only he can take you to the place you call Earth."

But there was no castle, only endless walking. Granted, it was better than endless drowning, Kasparov was quick to note. But enough was enough.

"Are we there yet?" Kasparov heard himself say. Green Valkyrie looked at him with disgust.

"Actually, we are!" Osilver decided. And then they were in a castle.

"This is all very confusing," Valkyrie was quick to notice the tapestries which had digital clock displays on them for some reason, "And your tapestries are an hour behind."

"We have something called Daylight Savings Time," Osilver explained.

"Weird," was all Valkyrie could come up with in reply.

"Weird?" said Osilver, donning a Jester's hat, "Why that's a horse of a different color!" Just then, a horse of a different color appeared.

"What the hell is that thing?" Valkyrie balked at the sight of the creature.

"It looks a little like a Ponyta," Kasparov noted, "And what a bizarre color! I could only describe it as a combination of red and blue!"

"...so, purple then?" offered Valkyrie.

"Yeah, yeah yeah," Kasparov nodded vigorously.

"So just down this hall is the Wizard of Ocean Version," explained Osilver, "Good luck you two!" With that, he vanished in a puff of smoke. Kasparov and Valkyrie exchanged glances.

"Ladies first," Kasparov gestured down the long hall. Valkyrie drew her sword and began to walk cautiously down the hall.

"Look," she whispered, pointing at the walls, "It's lined with pictures of Ocean Version archive pages."

"What kind of freak would print out and frame archive pages?" asked Kasparov in a hushed tone.

"THIS FREAK WOULD!" the booming voice of the Wizard of Ocean Version filled the room at the end of the hall. As they entered the room they was before them a giant scary-looking head hovering inches above the ground, "I AM THE WIZARD OF OCEAN VERSION! STATE YOUR BUSINESS OR I WILL MELT YOUR BRAINS!" The frightened Garry Kasparov fell to his knees.

"O great one! Forgive us, we are refugees of a forgotten world!" he begged, "We seek passage to Earth and will do anything to get there!"

"ANYTHING?" boomed the Wizard, "WILL THE FEMALE PLAY MONOPOLY WITH ME?"

"To hell with this," muttered Valkyrie, walking over to the side of the room.

"HEY!" the Wizard shouted, "PAY NO HEED TO THE MAN BEHIND THE PC!"

"Ocean Webmaster, I presume," Valkyrie addressed the man sitting behind a desktop computer only a few feet from the giant floating head, "You do your updates from within Ocean Version, huh?"

"Well… yeah," replied the Webmaster sheepishly, "Where else would I do it?"

"Our Webmaster does his updates from Earth," Garry Kasparov strolled into the room as if he hadn't been praying for his very life a moment ago, "It seems a little odd that you work from Ocean itself."

"I like it better here," said the Ocean Webmaster, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm a god when I'm here."

"Think you can use those godlike powers to send us to Earth?" asked Green Valkyrie. Ocean Webmaster scrunched his eyebrows closely together.

"Why did you say you wanted to go there?" he asked.

"Red Version stopped existing!" Kasparov snapped, "If we don't force Red Version to update, it'll never exist again!"

"Stopped existing," Ocean Webmaster repeated to himself, "That's pretty strange. Very well, I'll send you to Red Version… on one condition."

"NO!!" both Valkyrie and Kasparov yelled desperately.

"We need to go to Earth," Kasparov repeated, "Red Version doesn't exist." Ocean Webmaster considered this.

"Alright then, I'll send you to Earth. On one condition." Ocean Webmaster stood and moved to stand in front of Valkyrie, "You will place a link to Ocean Version on the main page of the site."

"Fine. Whatever!" Valkyrie was getting tired of this, "Just send us there!"

"I am not kidding," Ocean Webmaster warned, "If you dare betray me, Red Version will feel Ocean's wrath."

"Right, right, whatever," Valkyrie shrugged off the threat, "Send us."

The home of the almighty Webmaster had seen better days.

The house was mostly empty, save for various things carelessly strewn about. Since the Almighty One's death, his home had been subjected to repeated lootings by the likes of Dacta and a few other unscrupulous folks looking for things they could show off to their friends, claiming they once belonged to the Almighty Webmaster. Such things fetched a high price on Ebay.

"I never expected I'd once stand at the doorstep of my creator," whispered Kasparov reverently.

"Well, your creator is dead," Valkyrie remarked, "Let's just find this Matt Beswick guy so the world will return to normal and I can have my Movius back."

"You know what just occurred to me?" said Kasparov as the two of them climbed the flight of stairs that led to the late Almighty One's room, "Right now, the Narrator is dead, and we're alive."

"Fancy that," Valkyrie pretended she cared, "The Narrator is dead and we're going to bring it back to life."

"I'm just like the pawn who's just about to turn into a queen," Kasparov said excitedly. Valkyrie vowed to herself never to speak to the chess master again. The two of them suddenly found themselves at the door to the Room of Destiny.

"Here goes…" Kasparov slowly creaked the door open. A shadowy figure sat in a chair in front of a computer.

"I've been waiting for you…" the shadowy figure murmured.

"Come off it, Beswick," Valkyrie shot back, "We know who you are." Matt Beswick suddenly felt very stupid in his cloak.

"...what do you want?" he asked.

"You need to update Red Version," Kasparov explained, "Our entire world has ceased to exist because you aren't updating!"

"Oh," Beswick pondered this for a moment. "Meh."

"Meh? MEH?? That's all you have to say for yourself?" Valkyrie was furious, "Kasparov nearly drowned five times to get here, my husband stopped existing before my very eyes, and all you have to say is MEH? The Almighty One may have terrorized us with Doompuff but at least he didn't unexist our whole universe!"

"Okay, first of all 'unexist' isn't even a word," Beswick helpfully pointed out, "And second of all, there are far too many new Metroid games to play to worry about Red Version right now."

"Then you leave us no choice," spoke Kasparov solemnly, reaching into the folds of his cape, "I shall defeat you… in Chess!"

"You must be kidding," Beswick stood up and calmly drew his sword.

"Prepare to be pwn3d," declared the chessboard-wielding Kasparov, not coincidentally pronouncing the word 'pawned'. He quickly produced Chess pieces seemingly out of nowhere and whipped them at Beswick like ninja shurikans, which anticlimactically struck him in the leg and shoulder, bouncing off harmlessly.

"Uh, Garry," Valkyrie tapped him on the shoulder, "Maybe you should let me take care of this." Before he could reply, she stepped in front of the chess master, her own sword drawn.

"Bring it," challenged Beswick. Valkyrie charged him and their blades met.

"You fight like a dairy farmer!" Beswick spat.

"How appropriate," replied Valkyrie, "You fight like a cow."

Valkyrie immediately kneed Beswick in the gut, causing him to gasp and drop his sword. Without hesitating, she followed through on her killstroke. Beswick dropped to his knees, causing Valkyrie's sword to give him a nice haircut instead of a pierced lung. He recovered his sword and thrust upward, only to be met once again by the green warrior's blade.

"I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!" Beswick taunted.

"Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?" Valkyrie responded in kind. She parried, knocking his sword out of his hand. She swiftly brought her sword up against Beswick's neck. The former shadowy figure gulped.

"Do you have anything else to say for yourself before I slit your throat?" she asked. Beswick jeered,

"You make me want to puke."

"You make me think somebody already has," said Valkyrie as she relieved Matt Beswick of his head. Valkyrie looked on with disgust as Beswick's corpse hit the ground. "Ugh. Now my hands are covered in blood."

"I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose," retorted Kasparov. Valkyrie glared at him. "What, I can do the insult thing too." He mumbled.

"Well, yet another Red Version webmaster has died," Valkyrie examined the corpse for good measure, "The only thing left is for us to update Red Version."

"I'll take care of it," Garry Kasparov offered, "You should return to Red Version. John Movius needs you. And you need… food. Badly."

"Thank you Kasparov," Valkyrie handed him a title deed for Mediterranean Avenue, "I'll never forget what you've done for Red Version today." Kasparov blushed an interesting shade of red, which seemed appropriate as he apparently would become the new Red Version webmaster.

"Now, to return Red Version to its former greatness…" he sat down at the computer which so many before him had died for using.

He began to type…

"Battle #158…"