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Written by Ninetails Battle #1: A Return to Lameness 2006-12-14 23:59:20 Player: Gambler Setting: The Celery Plains What in the... GAMBLER woke up! I'll have you know I've never touched a playing card in my life. Where am I? NARRATOR began RECAP! Long ago, in a Version far, far away... Well, it wasn't that far away. It was Lithium Version. Home of sub-par battles, poor writing, wishy washy and chaotic storytelling and basically no sense of direction. All was calm in the mediocre world of Lithium Version, until the day the stupid, stupid author posted a blatantly NC-17 All Your Base parody in the middle of a battle. RSACi was pissed, and the Clouds invaded in massive droves, declaring war on Lithium. The Nine Noble Saints, who were in charge at the time, declared a tournament to end the war, and the leader of the forces, Leonardo Flamecraft, won, destroying Lithium Version. However, all was not lost, as a few of the characters and all of the poor writing survived, the remnants conglomerating like a scattering of feces into a single glob of excrement: Celery Version. This version ended when Brutus the Bomber, the original character of Lithium Version, killed NNS, the author, and took over as the new author, due to the whole "the earlier the character the more powerful the character" thing. Finding it more difficult than he had originally figured, he got lazy and decided to kill it instead, and so Celery Version died as well, until now. You see, this is Pokebattles: Advanced, and RSACi can no longer reach us. Welcome to the new Celery Version. Wait, so you spent all that text to talk about backstory that no longer could possibly apply to what's going on now, thanks to the inability of the main villains to effect us? And I'm not a gambler, damn it! CELERY appeared! Oh dear God. Anthropomorphic celery. CELERY: Nobody makes fun of the storyline and gets away with it around here! CELERY wants to fight! Well, I don't. ...GAMBLER has no choice but to FIGHT! Why can't I run away? I arbitrarily have to fight every simple-minded piece of celery who comes across me with a bone to pick? CELERY used GARNISH! GAMBLER's appearance greatly rose! Anything to get this over with... alright, Pokemon, Pokemon... let's see... OK, go, iPod! I choose you, IPOD! Now, let's see... celery... umm, use your peanut butter attack? IPOD used PEANUT BUTTER! It's PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! What? BANANA appeared! BANANA used FUNKY DANCE! Oh come on, this is as old as the internet itself. BANANA disappeared! And the celery? It's not very effective... Damn! CELERY used VEGGIE PLATTER! CARROT appeared! RADISH appeared! BROCCOLI appeared! CAULIFLOWER appeared! Hmmm. The enemy has summoned allies. Wait, that's not a radish... RADISH was renamed ODDISH! Oh, shit! ODDISH is ODD! ODDISH caused the grass to become purple! Phew, I got off easy. Well, my attack... let's see, what else do I have with me... well, it'll have to be my wallet. I choose you, WALLET! ODDISH is ODD! ODDISH used PAYDAY! Don't steal my money! Oh, fuck you, Oddish! VEGGIE PLATTER is getting restless! Wallet! Use your credit card attack! WALLET used CREDIT CARD! ODDISH was plagiarized! Ummm... It's super effective! ODDISH fainted! Phew! VEGGIE PLATTER used DIP ARMOR! VEGGIE PLATTER's defense greatly rose! Alright now, I have to strategize. Veggie Platter vs. Wallet... let's see here... aha! Use your Grocery Store Points Card! WALLET used REWARD POINTS! VEGGIE PLATTER was neatly packaged for consumption! VEGGIE PLATTER is fully paralyzed! Alright! Now finish it off with... umm... hmm. VEGGIE PLATTER broke out of it's container! Uh-oh... VEGGIE PLATTER used FIBER! BROCCOLI fainted! WALLET fainted! Ewww... now my wallet's made a mess of itself. Damn veggie platter... sacrificing itself to defeat me... well, I don't have anything left. GAMBLER was forced onto the field! I'm not a gambler! VEGGIE PLATTER used PRODUCE! VEGGIE PLATTER PRODUCED a GUN! Uh-oh. GAMBLER used EAT! Mmm! Herb and garlic dip! GAMBLER ate CELERY! CELERY fainted! VEGGIE PLATTER's leader has fallen! VEGGIE PLATTER fainted! GAMBLER wins the battle! Alright, alright, fine, I guess I have to be what the author writes me to be. Why did I have to get stuck with this lame archetype? Oh well, at least I defeated that random stalk of celery. Perhaps this won't be too bad. WALLET is still SOILED! That's unpleasant, but it still doesn't destroy my resolve to enjoy my life. You're a bit of a pushover for a narrator. NARRATOR is planning a SLOW BUILD! I see. So what is my goal, my motivation? GAMBLER is a GAMBLER! Ahh, right, of course. So I guess I need to find a casino of some sort. Yes, a casino... a CASINO ROYALE! What? Like the movie? MOB BOSS appeared! Oh dear. MOB BOSS: Listen, buddy, you'd better pay me back my money or else I'm going to plug you full of holes like a rogue veggie platter. You hearin' me? Umm, listen, I seem to have been thrust into a narrated character position, resulting in some form of amnesia. How much exactly do I owe you? MOB BOSS: Five dollars. ...you're going to kill me for five dollars? MOB BOSS: The family does not allow any debts to go unpaid, no matter the amount. Well, I've just had all the money stolen from my wallet. How soon must I pay you back? MOB BOSS: I'll give you twenty four hours. Err, I was hoping it could wait until my next pay check. MOB BOSS: You don't get pay checks, moron! Oh... well then, how am I expected to acquire the monetary funds in time? MOB BOSS: You're kidding, right? I have amnesia, remember? MOB BOSS: What does it say at the top of this battle, beside Player? Gamb-- ahh, right. I'll meet you back here when I have the money? MOB BOSS: Oh don't worry. We'll find you when your time is up. MOB BOSS disappeared! Geez, it's only five bucks... I wonder what I borrowed five bucks from the mob for, anyway? Oh well, better scan the ground for loose change. GAMBLER used SCAN! GAMBLER found FIFTY CENTS! What luck! But I'll never make enough money in time this way. FLIER appeared! What's this? High stakes poker tournament... Casino Royale... fifty cent entry fee, five dollar winnings? How is that high stakes? HIGH STAKES appeared! There are HEADS on them! I'm going, I'm going... Location: Casino Royale GAMBLER sits down at the POKER TABLE! Alright, everyone, let's have a good clean game of poker. GAME OF POKER wants to fight! ...that's not good or clean at all. GAME OF POKER sends out EYE SCAR GUY! Are you... bleeding out of your eye? EYE SCAR GUY used EYE BLEED! Ewww, all over my cards... OK, let's see here... GAMBLER used CALL! FLOP was shown! That's disgusting. Three COMMUNITY CARDS were DEALT! Oh. Well let's see here... GAMBLER used RAISE 1 EYE SCAR GUY: Hmm, a strong bet... Is it? I have amnesia, I don't remember how to play this game. EYE SCAR GUY: Hah! Well then, I'm all in! EYE SCAR GUY used ALL IN! Umm, I call? GAMBLER called! GAMBLER used FLIP CARDS! GAMBLER has POCKET ROCKETS! Is that good? POCKET ROCKETS flew into EYE SCAR GUY and exploded! EYE SCAR GUY fainted! I guess it is. GAME OF POKER sent out JAMES BOND! What? What are you doing here? 007: I'm here to stop your mob-loving ways, Gambler. You've been toying with your client's money for the last time. After you lose this game, you'll have nowhere to go but MI6 for protection, spilling everything you know about the mafia for safety. ...wasn't that the guy I just killed, err, fainted? 007: No, not this time. But I don't know anything about the mafia. I've got amnesia. 007: Liar! Oh, alright, then, I'll just have to win... seems to me the best attack I've got here is all in, so I'll use that. GAMBLER used ALL IN! 007: Before the flop? You fool! I'll call! JAMES BOND used CALL! GAMBLER used FLIP CARDS! GAMBLER has FIVE ACES! 007: That... that's impossible! I get the feeling I'm not a fair gambler. 007: No, really! You only get two pocket cards! Huh? Then what are these? THREE CARDS were renamed THREE ODDISHES! Oh, hell. ODDISHES are ODD! No kidding! ODDISHES caused CASINO ROYALE to become MCDONALD's! Ummm... GAME OF POKER was renamed GAME OF MONOPOLY! Hey, man, could I just borrow five dollars so we can get out of here? 007: Yeah, alright, take it. GAMBLER gained five dollars! GAMBLER completed the mission! +5 Nerd Respect! -5 Bully Respect! Riiight. ODDISHES are ODD! AHHHH! GAMBLER ran away! <Oddishes> Nobody luvs us :( |
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