Written by CrimsonKing Battle #1: <toby> guys look at this it is just like pokemons 2006-12-12 16:09:02 In a primeval corner of a forgotten world was a forest. In the forest all was quiet, stillness, and untouched beauty. Breezes blew across the treetops and the leaves chattered together. Beams of sunlight filtered through them, imbuing the forest with the pallid and soft look of unreality. Deborah Lackey awoke, a fetal figure laying in the soft powder beside a tree, and felt certain that this must be a dream. <cuideag> where am I :o DEB stood up! <cuideag> this isn’t azeroth <cuideag> but… it seems familiar just the smae <cuideag> same DEB looked around! Nothing happened! <cuideag> this is horrible <cuideag> I could die out here <cuideag> and im completely alone DEB walked in a RANDOM direction! Nothing happened! <cuideag> :( An INSECT buzzed from a PLACE unseen! <cuideag> so lonely :( *Sigh.* A merciful GOD causes a KITTEN to appear! <cuideag> :D KITTEN: Mew! DEB picks up KITTEN! DEB’s MORALE greatly rose! <cuideag> lets get the hell out of here, kitty! DEB walks in another RANDOM direction! Nothing happened! <cuideag> :( <cuideag> what are we going to do? KITTEN used WRIGGLE! KITTEN wriggled out of DEB’s arms! Aww… it appeared to be caught… <cuideag> what did you do that for, kitty :0 KITTEN: Mew! KITTEN ran away! <cuideag> wait!! DEB ran after KITTEN! KITTEN stopped at a STREAM! <cuideag> ooohh, good job kitty, you found us water! KITTEN jumped into the STREAM! The current SWEPT it away! <cuideag> arrgh! DEB ran after KITTEN again! Wild ROCK wants to fight! ROCK used TRIP! DEB tripped into the STREAM! <cuideag> pfftt! damn it! KITTEN climbed out of the STREAM! <cuideag> kitty… my socks are soaked >:( KITTEN: Mew? DEB used PUNC-- Wait! DEB cancelled the attack! <cuideag> wait :/ you don’t know any better <cuideag> come here, kitty DEB picks up KITTEN! <cuideag> lets see where we are Ancient, crumbling STONE TEMPLE appeared! <cuideag> neat :0 <cuideag> but it seems to be abandoned ????: It may seem that way, yes. ????: But it isn’t. <cuideag> who said that :o A TOOTHY GRIN appeared! A PAIR of EYES appeared! <valefor> oh. :( um… KITTEN: Mew? ????: Ooohh. ????: I smell something. <cuideag> what :( TOOTHY GRIN and PAIR of EYES are surrounded by an ETHEREAL FIGURE! ????: I smell ????: FUR What‘s this? ETHEREAL FIGURE is evolving! ETHEREAL FIGURE evolved into CORPOREAL FORM! CORPOREAL FORM was re-named SERGE`! <cuideag> oh, its just you? <cuideag> boring SERGE`: Bah! Aren’t you curious as to how you and I got here? <cuideag> I’ll humor you, I guess SERGE`: It seems we were brought here by a mysterious and powerful force SERGE`: A vast consciousness beyond our perception or understanding SERGE`: We have been summoned to this ancient land for some unknowable purpose SERGE`: Because we are the lost souls of the Poké Battles world! <cuideag> that is the dorkiest thing I’ve ever heard :/ SERGE` purs! SERGE`: Yes… yes, you’re right, it is. SERGE`: but that doesn’t mean it is wrong… KITTEN leapt from DEB’s arms! KITTEN ran INTO the STONE TEMPLE! <cuideag> :( why does he keep running off like that? SERGE`: it seems he is leading you along pretty well <cuideag> what is that supposed to mean? SERGE`: Oh, nothing. Just thinking aloud. DEB ran into STONE TEMPLE! SERGE`: Shall we go after hi-- oh, you’re already gone. Hm. SERGE` entered STONE TEMPLE! <cuideag> too dark… SERGE`: Incredible. We may be the first human beings - so to speak - to walk up these weathered steps in centuries… SERGE`: ...or we may be walking directly into the hands of an enemy. <cuideag> why do you keep talking so ominously? :o SERGE`: Isn’t it more fun to be foreboding and dramatic? :D <cuideag> No. SERGE` purs! <cuideag> and don’t do that, either. KITTEN: Mew? <cuideag> did you hear that?! quick, this way! SERGE`: Let’s split up! <cuideag> what?! It’s pitch dark in here, what purpose would that serve besides scaring us silly?! SERGE`: It will be exciting! :D DEB used PIMP HAND! Hit 3 time(s)! <cuideag> dorkface. now come on, follow me! DEB and SERGE` followed the last FADING ECHOS of the KITTEN’s cry! They quickly became LOST in the DARK LABYRINTH of the STONE TEMPLE! SERGE` purs! SERGE`: This is fun! <cuideag> … <cuideag> I’ve reconsidered, let’s split up DEB and SERGE` divided their PARTY! DEB ran in a RANDOM direction! Nothing happened! <cuideag> this is not my day. DRAFTS whistle through the CORRIDORS of the TEMPLE, producing GHOSTLY NOISES! <cuideag> this is really not my day :( KITTEN: Mew? KITTEN appeared! <cuideag> kitty! Good, now I at least know where you are. Now we can find our way out of-- KITTEN ran-- DEB picked up KITTEN! <cuideag> hah, gotcha that time! now, why do you keep running away from me? :o ????: Because he is obedient! <cuideag> :0 ????: And his master’s orders were to lead you here, to me! MYSTERIOUS VOICE is coming from nearby DOORWAY! ????: Enter, and learn who it is that has summoned you to this realm! DEB approaches the DOORWAY very CAUTIOUSLY! ????: Must you drag this out? <cuideag> well, come on, it’s spooky! ????: *Sigh* ???? used TELEPORT! ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER teleported beside DEB! <cuideag> *gasp!* Jason! :0 JASONR: Yes, It Is I! JASONR: Please, release my familiar. DEB released KITTEN! JASONR: Ah, thank you. The two of us must be leaving immediately, you see-- <cuideag> what do you mean, leaving?! I’m stranded in a forest in the middle of nowhere! I woke up with no recollection of how-- JASONR: Yes, yes, I know all that. It Was I who brought you here. This is my domain. <cuideag> your domain? JASONR: Can’t you tell? Okay, obviously it has fallen into disrepair a bit, but surely you must remember this place! <cuideag> I… can remember, vaguely… this place was some kind of… cultural hub? JASONR: Yes, The Network! Once a grand empire, with I as Supreme Ruler! Now, a run-down building, with I as Supreme Ruler. JASONR: Er, check that last part. With you as supreme ruler. <cuideag> what :o <cuideag> but this is your domain! why would you abandon it? JASONR: Tastes are fickle, unfortunately. And I’m not going to stick around here when all of my subjects have abandoned my world! But at the same time, I’d feel more comfortable leaving a caretaker to watch over things in my absence. A Provisional Webmistress, If You Will. Or if you won’t. <cuideag> but… I don’t want to be stuck here! why does it have to be me? JASONR: Excellent Question! JASONR: You are afforded plenty of time to ponder its answer while you remain here in your stewardship. <cuideag> what?!? JASONR: So It Shall Be Written, So It Shall Be Done… JASONR: Heh, well, you know the rest. JASONR and KITTEN used TELEPORT! DEB became the PROVISIONAL WEBMISTRESS! <cuideag> ah! maybe I can use my webmistress powers to take me back to azeroth! DEB used TELEPORT! Nothing happened! <cuideag> argh. DRAFTS whistle through the CORRIDORS of the TEMPLE, producing GHOSTLY NOISES! <cuideag> :( Battle #2: pika? 2006-12-17 00:41:22 In moments of stress and excitement, even the most well-trained of animals tend to regress to their instincts. Pikachu bent to all fours and bowed, though not out of any human-instilled courtesy; his whiskered nose aimed low and pulsed rapidly, sampling from the abundance of smells that hovered there. The common odors were present, of course -- chalky earth, fresh grasses, citric insects -- but over them were sharper, more urgent smells. Blood and rot. Many large animals had died there, far more than would be expected in any normal plain. Pikachu, companion of humans, remembered the word which they used to describe this type of place: battlefield. It would be an ideal spot on which to make his stand. Pika! o^_^o PIKACHU wants to fight… ALL CHALLENGERS! MEWTWO wants to fight! MEWTWO: Behold my powers! I am the most powerful Pokémon in the world! Pika… o-_-o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! MEWTWO fainted! Pikapika! o^_^o ONYX wants to fight! ONYX: Oooonnyyyxxx? Pikaaaa… CHU! PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! ONYX fainted! Pika. Pika! RAICHU wants to fight! RAICHU used THUNDERSHOCK! No effect! Pika… o>_<o RAICHU: Raaaaaiiii?!? PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! RAICHU fainted! Pikapi! o^_^o CHUCK NORRIS wants to fight! CHUCK NORRIS: Oh… God, not again… WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME?! I DON’T WANT TO BE A PAWN IN EVERY MEANINGLESS BATTLE EVER FOUGHT! Just… leave me alone, please! I’m so… so tired… Pika… o-_-o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! CHUCK NORRIS fainted! Pikapika. Pika! o^_^o ALAKAZAM wants to fight! Pika pika! PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! ALAKAZAM de-evolved into KADABRA! Pikaaa?! oO_Oo PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! KADABRA de-evolved into ABRA! PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! ABRA de-evolved into PROKARYOTE! PROKARYOTE… fainted?!? Pikaaa! o^_^o PLANET LANDER wants to fight! PIKACHU used THUNERSHOCK! KOWALSKI, FRITZ, CHIN, O’DONNELL, LUIGI, and ALL THREE of the LIEBERMANN TRIPLETS fainted! o^_^o Piiika pi. BORLAX wants to fight! Pika? oO_Oo BORLAX used RE-NAME! BORLAX was re-named SNORLAX! Learn the shit!* Pika… o>_<o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! SNORLAX fainted Pikaaa! o^_^o KITTEN wants to fight! Pika? oO_~o KITTEN: Mew? Pika. O>_<o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! KITTEN fainted! SOLIPSIST wants to fight! Pika! o>_<o SOLIPSIST: Yes, I know that you THINK you can harm me, but it is impossible. You are a creation of my mind, you don’t really exist… and nothing you do could have any-- PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! SOLIPSIST fainted! Pika. o^_^o AZU wants to fight! AZU: Wait, no I don’t!! What the fuck am I even doing here?! Someone, help -- ! PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! AZU fainted! Pika, pika, pikapi! o^_^o ELITE FOUR wants to fight! LORELEI: Oh man, we’ve got to catch that powerful Pokémon! BRUNO: He’s completely unstoppable, we must catch him! AGATHA: But first let’s each get a redundant line in, just to establish that we‘re all here! LANCE: Catch that Pokémon!!! Pika! o>_<o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! LORELEI, BRUNO, AGATHA, and LANCE fainted! Pikchu, pika pika! o^_^o ZEUS wants to fight! Pika... oO_Oo ZEUS: Hello, Pikachu. I must say, your mastery of lightning is quite impressive… for a mammal. ZEUS: I, however, am a god -- more, I am KING of the gods. My power is without limit, and I am without peer. ZEUS: Yet, for once -- I am impressed. You have proven your mettle in the skill which I respect above all others -- blasting things with bolts of electricity. ZEUS: So, I offer you an opportunity which few mortals will ever see: join me on Olympus, and live amongst the gods for eternity! Pika… chu. o-_-o ZEUS: Do... Do you know what you are refusing?! Pikachu, be sensible! You don’t honestly think you can challenge I, invincible Zeus, in a contest of thunder and light-- PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! ZEUS fainted! Pikaaaa!! o^_^o SATOSHI TAJIRI wants to fight! *gasp*. oO_Oo SATOSHI: Yes, Pikachu, it is I. Your… creator. Pi… pika? SATOSHI: I created you, as I created all Pokémon… I made you all that you are. I blessed you, Pikachu, above all my other creations. Pika… SATOSHI: I granted you the ultimate gift, the only true immortality. Something which even the gods themselves could never offer you. I made you the face of the franchise. SATOSHI: I loved you the most, and I still do. I always will. Come, Pikachu. Come here and let me embrace you… my son. Pi… pika… PIKACHU steps forward very nervously! SATOSHI: Why do you hesitate? Pika… SATOSHI: Yes? CHHHUUUUU!!! o>_<o PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! SATOSHI TAJIRI fainted! PIKACHU used MASTER BALL! Alright! ALL OPPONENTS were caught! Pikapi. o^_^o * Alternative Snorlax lines: SNORLAX used FUCKEN! SNORLAX is FUCKEN HELPIN everybody! SNORLAX used RIP! SNORLAX is MORE RIPPED than YOU! SNORLAX used OWN! SNORLX fucken OWNZ in this battle! SNORLAZ used SLEEP! But, it failed! SNORLAX fainted! Et cetera. Battle #3: sky rockets in flight 2007-01-03 01:26:05 The steel wire was cutting thin, crimson lines into the skin of his wrists and ankles, yet the wounds and pain were the farthest concern from Ash Ketchum’s mind. He was lying beside his two best friends in the world, Misty and Brock, but their presence afforded him no comfort. He had every Pokémon badge in the land stuffed in his pockets, his life’s dream realized -- but it meant nothing. For at this moment he and his friends were captives, bound and gagged, and at the mercy of their darkest enemies. Jessie and James watched them in amusement. They each held an automatic pistol, the weapons they had used to apprehend the Pokémon trainers, and to force them into their lair. Ash and his friends had been questioned and beaten, but they had no answers to give. It didn’t matter. They would be questioned again. James nodded to Meowth, and the cat untied the gags on Ash and Misty. Brock remained senseless; his torture would have to continue later. Ash spit a mix of blood and phlegm on the floor, defiant to the last. ASH: You… you’ll never get away with this, teh… Team Rocket… <Jessie> Christ, if you aren’t the most annoying little brat in the world… <James> Say, Jessie. Why don’t you kill him? <Jessie> Yes. It’s been a long time coming. JESSIE aimed PISTOL at ASH! MISTY: NO!!! ASH!!! DON’T-- JESSIE used PISTOL! HEAD used EXPLODE! ASH died! <Jessie> Hah hah! That was a blast! MISTY wept softly! <Jessie> You want his hat? It fell off. Looks like it’s still in good shape. <James> And cover this hair? Surely you’re joking! JAMES sniffed ROSE! JESSIE used DOUBLE-SLAP! MISTY stopped crying! <Jessie> Now listen, you little bitch! I don’t buy your dumb act for a second. You’ve seen what I did to your friend. You saw what we did to your Pokémon. No one is coming to rescue you. You’re next, unless we get what we want. MISTY: We already told you -- please -- JESSIE used DOUBLE-SLAP! <Jessie> Liar! JAMES sniffed POISONPOWDER! <James> *sniff*… shit… I can’t feel my face, Jess… MISTY: But we don’t know where he is… I’m not trying to protect him… he’s out of his mind… if I knew where he was, I would tell you… and hope that you kill each other… <James> I bet she would, too. <Jessie> Yes. I think she might be telling the truth. MISTY: I am! I am! Are you going to let us -- JESSIE used PISTOL! MISTY died! <Jessie> I suppose we might as well ask the other one. No harm in trying, anyway. <Meowth> Uh, guys. I’m gonna use the bathroom, okay? MEOWTH brushed against JESSIE! <Jessie> Owch! <Meowth> Oops, sorry, Jess… MEOWTH walked into BATHROOM! <James> Why did you ‘owch?’ <Jessie> Shocked me with some static from his fur, but never mind that. Let’s -- <James> Static electricity? Hmm… <Jessie> What? <James> He’s been acting kind of funny, hasn’t he? And distracted. Not as talkative as usual. Kind of suspicious. Then, he shocked you -- just static, or so you thought -- <Jessie> Are you saying Meowth is a… a rat? <James> Perhaps. Perhaps. How ironic would it be, the same electic rat we are looking for -- <Jessie> -- hiding right in our midst! Except… it doesn’t talk. <James> We’ve never heard it talk -- it could have learned. <Jessie> And it’s smaller than Meowth. It could fit into a realistic cat suit of the right size… alright. I’m convinced. Here, back me up. JESSIE used KICK! It had no effect on enemy DOOR! <Meowth> Hey!! What the hell, guys, I give you privacy in here! JESSIE used PISTOL! DOORKNOB was SHOT OFF! JESSIE pushed DOOR open! <Meowth> Um, hey, Jessie. It really couldn’t wait, huh? <Jessie> What was your paw doing behind that litter box? And don’t catshit me. <Meowth> Ah, well, just to be on the safe side I decided to sweep this place for bugs, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s totally clean! Good thing I checked, though, ‘cause you can never be too -- JAMES used COCK! <Meowth> Yikes! PISTOL HAMMER was fully COCKED! <Meowth> Oh. Yikes, anyway! <James> Move it. We’re seeing what you’ve hid back there. MEOWTH moved aside! JAMES reached behind LITTER BOX! JAMES found TRANSMITTER! <James> That’s one suspicion confirmed. Now, about the other -- JESSIE used CUT! MEOWTH’s EAR was CUT off! <Meowth> Aarrgh!! God, my ear!! You deformed me, you maniac!! JESSIE studied the EAR! <Jessie> Blood. It’s no costume. JESSIE talks into the EAR! <Jessie> Can you hear me now? Hah hah! <Meowth> You sick bitch… <James> Jessie… I think this thing is transmitting. Now. <Jessie> Oh? Damn. JESSIE used PISTOL! MEOWTH died! <Jessie> Fight or flight, then? <James> It might be too late to run. How soon can the rest of the Rockets get here? <Jessie> I don’t know. But with a hostage, we should be able to hold our ground ‘til they do. <James> Right. Okay, so we hold our ground. JESSIE and JAMES returned to the previous ROOM! <Jessie> I’ll call the boss immediately. You work on Brock -- we probably won’t be able to take him along, and we should find out what he knows while we can. JESSIE hurried into another room! JAMES walked over to BROCK! <James> Ah, alone at last! JAMES giggled! <James> Let me be honest with you, Brock. I’ve always rather fancied you. I’m so thrilled we get to spend some quality time together! Why, I’m all a-flutter! Can’t you tell? JAMES sniffed POISONPOWDER! <James> What a pretty face you have. I would love to make you over -- but, sadly, there just isn’t time. At least we get a little bonding time, just you and I. JAMES removed PANTS! <James> So. Let’s start bonding. BROCK futilely STRUGGLED with his BONDS! JAMES used COC-- Wait! An AMPLIFIED VOICE screeched from OUTSIDE! OFFICER JENNY: TEAM ROCKET! GIVE YOURSELF UP! <James> Oh, blast it! JAMES put on PANTS! <James> I suppose they have us surrounded, too. OFFICER JENNY: WE HAVE THE BUILDING SURROUNDED! <James> Yup, they always say that. JESSIE entered, brandishing a PAIR of ASSAULT RIFLES! <Jessie> Merry Christmas! Giovanni didn’t have a partridge, so instead he sent an escape ‘chopper this year. Thirty minutes. JESSIE handed a RIFLE to JAMES! <James> If only we had kept our Pokémon! They would have made useful meat shields right now. <Jessie> Pokémon. Hah! TEAR GAS CANISTERS smashed through the WINDOWS! <Jessie> The masks are in the next room! I’ll be right back. JESSIE ran off! <James> *cough-cough!* Hurry! OFFICER JENNY: THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! COME OUT UNARMED, OR WE’RE COMING IN SHOOTING! <James> *cough!* You want to play games? I’ll play with *cough-cough-cough!* POLICE SQUAD busted through FRONT DOOR! <James> Jessie! *cough-cough!* Damn it, where are you?! JAMES used ASSAULT RIFLE! POLICE SQUAD was KILLED! <James> Click-clack motherfuck*cough-cough-cough!* GRENADE was THROWN through FRONT DOOR! JAMES and BROCK were GIBBED! Time: Approximately thirty minutes later. Playa Name: Officer Jenny IJ: It looks like the ‘chopper’s flying off, chief. I guess we took the fight out of ‘em. <Jenny> Mm. JENNY surveyed the CRIME SCENE! <Jenny> It’s totally senseless. So much life lost. And for what? IJ: We’re still trying to determine that, chief. A lot of guns and drugs around, but no real clues as to what happened here, and why. It’s a real fucking mess, chief. <Jenny> A whole IRCop squad was wiped out. Look at this poor bastard. That was that Pemberton kid. First month on the force. IJ: It’s a fucking shame, chief. <Jenny> We… *sigh.* We were lovers, once. IJ: I… I know, chief. We busted his balls about it a lot. Er, in a good way, chief. <Jenny> Was it just the one Rocket? I thought our inside Meowth radioed that there were two? IJ: As far as we can tell, the only other bodies were hostages. Ash Ketchup is the only positive I.D. so far -- <Jenny> Ash Ketchum! He called the emergency line -- a little over a week ago. He was panicked out of his mind. IJ: About the Rockets, chief? <Jenny> No, that’s the weird thing. He was calling to warn us about a Pokémon -- one of his own. Or it was one of his. He said it was too powerful to control, which is odd, because he’s beaten the Elite Four and everybody. He talked like it had gone insane. IJ: That, uh, sounds like a lot of bullshit, chief. <Jenny> Probably is. But the Pokémon is real -- we’ve gotten other reports. And there’s another thing. According to Meowth, the Rockets were tipped off to Ash’s location. The Rockets were after his runaway Pokémon, only they didn’t know it was a runaway. IJ: So there’s a connection, chief! <Jenny> I’ve got a good idea where that tip-off came from, too. That Pokémon was after Ash. The Rockets were after it. It’s too convenient -- every enemy that Pokémon had wound up dead today. IJ: Except for the one that got away, chief. The missing Rocket. <Jenny> Captain, put out an APB. I want that Rocket found and arrested, wherever she is. And I want that Pikachu. Battle #4: to kill a pidgeotto 2007-01-25 14:19:06 BAILIFF: Right about now, N.W.A. Court is in full effect, Judge Dre presiding. In the case of Pokémon Land vs. Pikachu, the prosecuting attorneys are – MC Ren, Ice Cube, and Eazy-motherfuckin’-E! JUDGE DRE: Order, order, order! Bailiff, what the hell was that? BAILIFF: Uh, well your honor… I thought that, given your last name, it would be funny to do a flip of the “Fuck tha Police” intro for the trial. Lighten up the crowd a little, you know… JUDGE DRE: This court does not recognize expressions of individuality or humor! Now place yourself under arrest, you’re being held in contempt. And pick out a replacement before you lock yourself in. BAILIFF left the COURTROOM! BAILIFF entered the COURTROOM! JUDGE DRE: The defendant is being charged with five counts of conspiracy to commit murder, twenty-five counts of assault, kidnapping, and resistance of arrest. How does he plead? DEFENSE ATTOURNEY leapt to his FEET! <Defense> Not guilty of all counts, your honor! AUDIENCE murmured excitedly! JUDGE DRE banged GAVEL! JUDGE DRE: Order! Order, I say! Order in the court! AUDIENCE calmed down! JUDGE DRE: Defense, it is not your place to make dramatic proclamations that incite the court into general disarray! That is the duty of key witnesses or the guy that reads the jury’s verdict. Now, sit down and behave like a professional. JUDGE DRE: Prosecutor, you may read your opening statement. <Prosecutor> Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m going to be very straight with you. You’re going to hear a lot of fancy legal terms and clichés from the defense today. You’re going to hear phrases like “reasonable doubt,” and “innocent until proven guilty,” “illegal wire taps” and “civil rights,” and other obscure legal terminology. The defense is going to use a lot of smoke and mirrors and horse-blinders to pull the wool over your eyes, and turn this into a regular dog and pony show. All of these misdirection ploys are meant to impress you, and confuse you from seeing the real truth of this case: at the end of the day, his reputation is riding on this trial, and if he loses it will cost him a lot of money. Do you expect to get the truth from a man who has a vested interest in the proceedings? I think not. JUDGE DRE: We’ll now hear the statement for the defense. <Defense> Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to take a look at the man you are called to convict today. Look at those adorable ears. That cute little scrunched-up nose. Those big, innocent, childlike eyes. Could you live with yourself after sending that face to prison? <Pikachu> Piiii – ka? o=^_^=o <Defense> I know you’ll all do the right thing. JUDGE DRE: Alright. Now, prosecution, you may call your first witness. <Prosecution> The prosecution calls Townsperson to the stand! TOWNSPERSON entered the COURTROOM! TOWNSPERSON was SWORN IN! <Defense> I object, your honor! This witness was not present for any of the crimes my client is being tried for, and his testimony has no bearing on this case! <Prosecutor> Your honor, Townsperson is a character witness that has testimony regarding Pikachu’s actions peripheral to the crimes he is charged for. JUDGE DRE: Objection overruled. <Prosecutor> Now, Townsperson, where and when did you meet the defendant? TOWNSPERSON: It was at the Millennial Fair. I saw Pikachu run into the princess -- intentionally, if you ask me -- then slyly tried to steal the necklace she dropped, before she caught him. <Prosecutor> I see. Did anything else happen between them, that day? TOWNSPERSON: The princess went to eat some cotton candy. He followed her to the booth, then grabbed her arm and tried to pull her away. I distinctly heard her cry out “What are you, some kind of kidnapper?!” Then he walked over to my table and ate my lunch! <Defense> Your honor, the defense objects to this entire line of questioning! First of all, the Millennial Fair the witness referred to was over a thousand years ago. Second, there isn’t even a princess involved in this case. Thirdly, the witness is obviously stone drunk. JUDGE DRE: Objection sustained. Prosecutor, I won’t have you turning my court into a circus. The witness is excused. TOWNSPERSON: Wait! Don’t you want to hear how I flew a time machine here?! I came to warn you, your entire world is in great peril -- stop -- BAILIFF removed TOWNSPERSON from COURTROOM! JUDGE DRE: Next witness, and it better be damned relevant. <Prosecutor> Next, the prosecution calls… Ikue Otani to the witness stand! CROWD murmured excitedly! JUDGE DRE banged GAVEL! JUDGE DRE: Order! Order, damn it! Prosecutor, you’re on warning, too! IKUE OTANI and INTERPRETER entered the COURTROOM! <Prosecutor> Your honor, the witness does not speak English, and will require a translator to give her testimony. JUDGE DRE: Very well. Get on with it. IKUE OTANI was SWORN IN! INTEPRETER was SWORN IN! <Prosecutor> State your name for the record. <Ikue> Pikaaachu! ^_^ INTEPRETER: She says her name is Ikue Otani. JUDGE DRE: What? Miss, where are you from? <Ikue> Pikapi! ^_^ INTEPRETER: She says she is from Tokyo, Japan. JUDGE DRE: Errr… very well. <Prosecutor> Miss Otani, could you tell us how you know the defendant, Pikachu? <Ikue> Pika, pika! Pika pika pika pika pika pikachu! INTEPRETER: She says she provided the voice of the defendant for several years of the television series Pokémon!. <Prosecutor> I see. And could you tell us why Pikachu needed a voice actress to provide his own voice for a show which he regularly appeared in? <Ikue> Pika, pika. INTEPRETER: She says that the show producers hired her after the show’s first season. Pikachu’s popularity exploded at that time, and he often made ridiculous demands of the producers – such as demanding a ten million yen royalty for each utterance of his name, and a twenty million yen bonus for each line he delivered. To circumvent these demands they hired Ms. Otani to do his voice work, and replaced his licensed name with “Peek At Chu” in all of the scripts. That was enough difference to legally cover their asses, and none of the fans really noticed. <Prosecutor> You quit your involvement with the show after season five. Could you tell us why that is? <Ikue> Pika. -_- INTERPRETER: Miss Otani says that during her tenure on the show, Pikachu frequently made sexual advances on the female cast members, including herself. When she threatened to file sexual harassment suit, the studio privately paid a settlement so their star would not be implicated in a crime. <Prosecutor> Thank you. Your witness, counselor. <Defense> Miss Otani… during these instances when you claim harassment took place, did you feel threatened in any way? Did you ever feel that your life was in danger? <Ikue> Pika, pika, pikachu! INTEPRETER: She says he often threatened her with violence. Twic he said he would kill Miss Otani if she told anyone about their "private meetings," as he called them. <Defense> Oh. Really? Shit, um… can I withdraw the question, then? Move to strike? JUDGE DRE: No, you cannot! <Defense> Oh. No more questions, in that case. IKUE OTANI and INTEPRETER left the COURTROOM! JUDGE DRE: Will the state call its next witness? <Prosecutor> Your honor, the prosecution calls arresting officer Jennifer Jennerson to the stand. OFFICER JENNY entered the COURTROOM! OFFICER JENNY was SWORN IN! <Prosecutor> Officer Jennerson, can you tell us why you arrested the defendant, Pikachu? <Jenny> There were several reports of Pikachu attacking people, seemingly at random, and trapping them inside of a Poké-Ball. Also, I had reason to believe Pikachu arranged to have Ash Ketchum, Misty Mystikal, and Brock Landers killed by two members of Team Rocket. <Prosecutor> The evidence is on the phone calls made to the police emergency line, and in a call from undercover officer Meowth to police headquarters. I’ll ask the jury to listen to those now. JURY listened to PHONE TAPES! <Prosecutor> The state is finished with this witness, your honor. JUDGE DRE: Any questions from the defense? <Defense> Officer Jennerson… how long have you been on the police force? <Jenny> This will be twelve years this February. <Defense> Twelve years, my, that’s quite a nice career. And your record is exemplary. One part of your testimony strikes me as odd, however. You say Pikachu captured a number of people, did you not? <Jenny> That’s correct. <Defense> Did the police investigation uncover any evidence of these kidnappings? <Jenny> No, you see, he trapped them in a Poké-Ball. <Defense> I seem to remember you mentioning that, yes. I’ve never heard of that, though -- what is a Poké-Ball, exactly? <Jenny> Well, a Poké-Ball… heh, it sounds silly, when you think of it, but… it’s a little plastic thing, you can hold in your hand -- <Defense> About how large is it, would you say? <Jenny> Oh, about the size of a baseball, or maybe a tennis ball. It’s meant to be thrown. <Defense> Ah, I see. And you say he… captured them in it? <Jenny> Well, it’s really not as ridiculous as it sounds, you see. It’s got some complex mechanism in it. You throw it at something, the Poké-Ball converts them into an energy form-- <Defense> Converts them to energy form? How does that work? <Jenny> Er, I’m not really sure… it’s technical… they get stored inside of it, somehow, in that energy form. Then you can open the ball later, and they become solid again. <Defense> And you claim Pikachu has dozens of fully grown people trapped inside of this small mechanism? <Jenny> It, it’s true! You’re trying to make me sound crazy, but I’m not! These things really work! Thousands of Pokémon trainers have-- look! There it is! He’s got it sitting right out on the table! He’s rolling it around like a toy, right in court! He’s mocking me, don’t you see?! <Pikachu> Pika? <Defense> This thing, here? This little, plastic ball holds dozens of people inside of it? JENNY looked at the JURY frantically! <Jenny> Please believe me, that thing is psychotic! Just open that ball, open it up, you’ll see I’m telling you-- <Defense> Your honor, I’m sorry for this display. I thought the prosecutor had provided a reliable witness, but this testimony is clearly nothing but the paranoid, delusional ravings of a lunatic. No further questions for the witness. JUDGE DRE: Very well, witness is excused. BAILIFF removed OFFICER JENNY from the COURTROOM! <Prosecutor> Um… the prosecution rests, your honor. JUDGE DRE: Counselor for the defense, do you have a witness? <Defense> The defense feels our case has already been made, your honor. JUDGE DRE: Prosecution, we’ll hear your closing arguments now. <Prosecutor> Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I want you to consider this fact before you go into that room to deliberate: the counselor for the defense is a total fuckwit. Then, ask yourself: should we, or should we not, follow the advice of the galactically stupid? Thank you. JUDGE DRE: Counselor for the defense? <Defense> Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I want you to close your eyes and imagine something for me. I want to imagine you have a daughter, or imagine your own daughter if you already have one. Now imagine that she is walking down a road one day, alone. A pickup truck starts to drive beside her. There are two men inside of it. They’re drunk, and they’re violent. First they yell slurs at her, then they stop the truck and catch her. They hold her down, then tie her up. Then they rape her. They rape her long, and they rape her hard. When they’ve satisfied themselves, they decide to play a game. They throw full cans of beer at her head, as hard as they can. Finally they leave her there, concussed and bleeding, to die alone. Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want you to imagine that your daughter -- is a Pikachu. JURY began crying! JUDGE DRE: Jury will now deliberate to reach a verdict-- JURY DUDE: That’s alright, Judge, I believe we’ve reached a verdict already. We vote to acquit Pikachu of all charges. AUDIENCE cheers! JUDGE DRE: Order! Order! Oh, to hell with it. JUDGE DRE left the COURTROOM! CASE was DISMISSED! Minutes later, outside… <Defense> Well, Pikachu, how does it feel to be a free man? <Pikachu> Pika! o^_^o <Defense> That was a great win today. I still can’t believe we pulled it off! <Pikachu> Pikachu! o^_^o <Defense> If you find yourself in any other legal trouble, you have my number. And of course our confidentiality will always be upheld. <Pikachu> Pika? <Defense> What? Pikachu, I would never tell anyone that you were actually guilty of all those crimes! What, what are you doing?! Don’t-- PIKACHU used THUNDERSHOCK! DEFENSE LAWYER fainted! <Pikachu> Pikachu. o^_^o

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