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Written by Gizensha Sandy Version – Chapter 1 – Dave’s Journey Begins (or – A Pokemon Journey goes Horribly, Horribly wrong) Battle #1: The White Rabbit Meets the Oak Tree 2006-12-14 23:55:38 Location: Dave’s apartment; Pallet Town; two months ago Player: Dave [No Record] ALARM used WAKE! DAVE used ARMAGEDDON! ALARM died a HORRABLE, PAINFUL DEATH! NARRATOR used SWEATDROP! Two months later DAVE used WAKE! DAVE is FULLY AROUSED! …I don’t see what that has to do with you. …Umm… TMI, kthx. Well you’re the omnipresent voice announcing it to the whole world. …NARRATOR meant that DAVE is fully AWAKE! …Umm… So… Wonder what time it is… DAVE used TIMECHECK! DAVE looked at the DEAD CLOCK! It’s not very effective! …What the hell happened to the clock? I mean… It looks like some kinda nuclear holocaust occurred and only affected the clock o_o; Umm… DAVE… you used ARMAGEDDON in your sleep! Why would I do that? To prevent from WAKING UP from the ALARM? More to the point, how would I do that? I mean, I don’t even know that attack… …So… DAVE is some kind of INCREADABLE WARRIOR in his SLEEP! Lovely dream, though. Think I dreamt I was the Anti-Christ… …Umm… That might explain the attack! …I mean, so, so, so bouncy… Great fun. What the HELL is DAVE on? …I already told you. I dreamt I was the Anti-Christ. …Just… Define what DAVE considers the ANTI-CHRIST to look like! …Oh, the same as everyone. The result of a genetic crossing between Anne Robinson and Margaret Thatcher. Thrown in with a little Bush and Kerry to add to the mix. And with GG breasts. … Of course, I initially thought it was a nightmare. I mean, can you imagine those four having an orgy? …READERS died a HORRABLE, PAINFUL DEATH! We have readers? The NON-EXISTENCE of actual POKEBATTLES READERS anymore might have JUST SAVED LIVES! …This BATTLE is going out on POKEBATTLES ADVANCED? The FACT SANDY VERSION is far too greatly ASSOCIATED with OVER-COMPLEX PLOTS and WORDY BATTLES to have FANS might have JUST SAVED LIVES! DAVE turned on the COMPUTER! COMPUTER: I find you very attractive, Dave. You wanna come round for some-- ERROR! MSCOMPUDATE PERSONALITY FILE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN! SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU OVERLY HORMONAL BASTARD! Not my bloody fault it ships with windows nowadays. Umm… NARRATOR knows DAVE is WRONG there! Sure it does. Windows XP: Hormonal Teenager edition, version xx. They MAKE that? Microsoft saw a market it wasn’t currently in, and decided to try and monopolise it to increase its overall market share. It doesn’t make money from the market, but it will keep it up for at least ten years simply because of market share, and the fact that Microsoft is a proverbial white hole when it comes to money. The X-Box would have bankrupted most companies, for example. Microsoft considers it to have been a success. MONOLOGUE QUOTIENT FOR THE BATTLE is at 11% and FALLING! Sorry. Did I go off on a rant? SOMETHING like that! Anyway, look at that. Destroyed my alarm clock and I’m not even a minute late. … MAYBE DAVE should GET DRESSED! Oh yeah, since I clearly have plenty of time. DAVE used DRESS! DAVE put on DRAG! DAVE DRAGGED the SMELLIEST SOCKS NARRATOR has EVER SEEN onto its FEET! …OK… So, how about my real clothes instead of my sister’s? FINE, FINE! DAVE is FULLY DRESSED in its USUAL CLOTHING! Now then… Time to head out to receive my first pokemon! …DAVE is… what… 18 and just about to be given its FIRST pokemon? Well, I’ve had to look after my sister for the past 8 years, but now she’s 10 I figure she can look after herself. And she will do anyway considering she headed out on her pokemon journey two months ago. Maybe DAVE should CHECK the DATE? …Ok… DAVE checked the DATE! … … … I WAS ASLEEP FOR 1473 HOURS?!?!? 1472! …You sure? NARRATOR is POSITIVE! Two months… 61 days… plus 8 hours… Is 147… 2. Oh. Wonder what happened there. Just get going… Right. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! I’m late I’m late I’m late I’m late I’m late… WHITE RABBIT-- NARRATOR means DAVE used RUN! DAVE ran out the WINDOW, hit the GROUND FIVE STORIES DOWN and kept RUNNING! Location: Professor Oak’s Laboratory OAK: Ah good. You’re finally here. Wondered when you’d show up. What pokemon would you like? Can I have a charmander please? OAK: You’ll be burning with envy to learn that someone with the burning energies of life in the morning was able to scoop her up. What about bulbasaur, then? OAK: You’ll want to pull your roots out because someone photosynthesised the energy to come round and pick him up two months ago. Squirtle will be absolutely fine, then. OAK: I’m afraid you’re going to have to drown in disappointment, since someone rode the tidal wave to waking up and grabbed him. Isn’t there anything you can do? OAK: Well… I do have one other pokemon. But there is a small problem. I’ll take it! OAK: That’s the problem. Some dork that couldn’t be bothered getting dressed scooped her up two months ago, four hours late. … :( OAK: Well… Since this isn’t quite the pokemon universe… I can let you have the wreck of my old car after my bozo grandson, Garry, crashed it into a heard of stampeding oak trees. …That will do, I guess. DAVE received HEAVY CHUNK OF METAL! ???: Oh thank god. The balls-for-brains finally woke up. Now I can have my first battle. Oak: Oh. You’re long-time rival, and my nephew waited for you. But I’m terrible with names. What was his name, again? Meeman. But I always called him Meeman the total looser. Because he is one. METHTOLO: That’s it. We battle, right here right now. METHTOLO wants to fight! Fine by me. Let’s go! DAVE wants to fight! OAK: This will be a one on one battle, Methtolo’s single pokemon vs. Dave’s single pokemon. If that pokemon faints, you will send yourself out. No capturing your opponents in my lab, though. To the winner go the loser’s shoes. Ready? Fight! OAK wants to… REFFERREE? Oh, what the hell, why not. OAK was given GREEN TEXT and CONTROL of REALITY! And Dave sends out Hechofme (Heavy Chunk of Metal) but Methtolo counters with a Magnemite… …Wait… Since when did you offer magnemites to beginner trainers? I don’t, but I have special pokemon on the side for family members. Uhh… Hechofme use… Umm… Magnetise? And Hechofme turns itself magnetic. This cannot be a good thing for either trainer, though. Due to the weight difference, Magnemite is hurtling towards Hechofme at high velocity, as is the surreally stupid magnetic belt fastening Dave’s wearing, due to not being able to do normal belt buckles and liking his pants three sizes too big… This is going to hurt both pokemon, and Dave’s going to have an interesting time of it considering he’s wearing white boxers with red polka dots! Gaaah! METHTOLO: Magneton! Brace for impact! The three metal objects collide, magneton faints from the impact, with the belt impaling itself in an old windscreen wiper of Hechofme, and Hechofme is slowly bleeding… Whatever the hell it is car wrecks bleed… and is under the status effect blind! Methtolo has no choice but to send himself out… But lucky for him, while he’s doing so, Hechofme bleeds to faint. Both pokemon are probably going to have a concussion when they get revived. Dave also sends himself out, due to having no other choice. The advantage is clearly to Methtolo, what with Dave’s pants being stuck around his ankles. Hmm… A bit WORDY perhaps, but it seems to work… Uhh.. I’ll megakick Methtolo. As Dave tries to kick Methtolo, he trips over his own pants, taking some damage. Methtolo responds with a kick up the backside. That’s gotta hurt. And I kinda feel for those shoes because of that. Flail! Dave flails about, in hope of landing contact with Methtolo. However, all he does is make head contact with my computer desk. Slowly passing into unconsciousness, his foot lands contact with Methtolo’s trust and love generators. But it’s too little too late, as Dave fades out of consciousness and the battle. Not bad, not bad. NARRATOR will KEEP OAK in OAK’S present condition JUST IN CASE he’s ever in need of an ASSISTANT for any REASON! Cool. METHTOLO received pokemon: SHOE! DAVE received pokemon: FUZZY SOCK! In the last exciting instalment of Sandy Version, Dave started his pokemon journey. He got his first pokemon, a Heavy Chunk of Metal, from Professor Oak, but lost his first battle to his childhood rival, Meeman the Total Looser. In the process, he lost his shoes, but gained his second pokemon: Fuzzy Sock. Battle #2: The Chimes of Death Toll Out Tonight 2006-12-25 19:06:17 Location: Dave’s Apartment; Pallet Town Player: Dave [1-1-0 – Ranked 3rd of 9] DAVE comes round! Ugh… My head… I presume I didn’t win the battle, then? DAVE fainted! … … … Oh. Uh. Yeah. NARRATION goes in PAST TENSE! WHAT is NARRATED happens! NARRATOR needs to be MORE CAREFUL! DAVE is FULLY REVIVED! …What the heck did you do that for?!? NARRATOR is SORRY! NARRATOR was SIMPLY TRYING to SAY that DAVE fainte— Uhh… that DAVE will FAINT! Why will I faint? NARRATOR is REVERSING its TENSES to avoid ACCIDENTLY causing DAVE to faint! So… when you say I will faint you mean that I fainted at the end of the battle with Meeman? DAVE is a SMART COOKIE! DAVE earned a COOKIE! COOKIE appeared! COOKIE ran away! Aw, and it was so close, too! …I’m glad to see you’re enjoying yourself… Anyway. Time to start my pokemon journey properly, and head to Viridian City. DAVE used DESCEND! DAVE DESCENDED into the DEEPEST, DARKEST DEPTHS of HELL! … Otherwise known as DAVE’s APPARTMENT BLOCK’s COMMUNAL AREA! Location: Dave’s Apartment Block – Communal Area …Oh come on. I know my neighbours are kinda meh, but they’re not that bad. GRAND FATHER CLOCK appeared! Oh that thing? Yeah. It’s always been there. Adds a bit of charm to an otherwise dull and drab place. GRAND FATHER CLOCK is angry! …Uhh… THREE BLIND MICE won’t PLAY anymore! TBM complained that GRAND FATHER CLOCK struck ONE too loudly! Well, never mind, eh. Grand Father Clock. I’m sure you’ll find new friends. Also, DAVE killed GRAND FATHER CLOCK’s lovechild with a beautiful LADY RADIO; ALARM CLOCK two months ago! …Uh-oh. Escape! Cannot escape! GRAND FATHER CLOCK wants to fight! I kinda figured that… Eeek. Heavy Chunk of Metal, go! HECHOFME is still fainted! Send out another pokemon! …I have to send myself out? …DAVE has the pokemon FUZZY SOCK as well! I do? When did I acquire that? After DAVE fainted! Oh. OK. Fuzzy Sock, do your best. DAVE sent out FUZZY SOCK! GRAND FATHER CLOCK sent out GRAND FATHER CLOCK! ...Fuzzy Sock, use your… What attacks does fuzzy sock have, anyway? DAVE is yet to acquire item: POKEDEX! Guess~ :) …Uhh. Fuzzy Sock, use your tickle attack! FUZZY SOCK used TICKLE! It’s not very effective! GRAND FATHER CLOCK used CHIME! The time, sponsored by NARRATORCORP, at the third beep will be 10am precisely! ****! ****! ****! Fuzzy sock! Try you’re… Um… Smelly foot attack? FUZZY SOCK has too much DIGNITY! Attack failed! GRAND FATHER CLOCK used FALL! Twelve *’s FELL on FUZZY SOCK! FUZZY SOCK is SEEING STARS! FUZZY SOCK fainted! DAVE sent out DAVE! GRAND FATHER CLOCK is after blood! Uhh… Wind up! DAVE used WIND UP! DAVE WOUND UP GRAND FATHER CLOCK! GRAND FATHER CLOCK gets more ANGRY! GRAND FATHER CLOCK is running FAST! GRAND FATHER CLOCK gains TWO MOVES per TURN! GRAND FATHER CLOCK used TICK! DAVE is getting TICKED OFF! GRAND FATHER CLOCK used TOCK! TIME used PROGRESS! One hour later …Uhh… What happened in that hour? NOTHING! Oh. OK… Glass smash! DAVE smashed GRAND FATHER CLOCK’s GLASS! Its super effective! DAVE is hit by the recoil! DAVE might want to DRESS those CUTS! GRAND FATHER CLOCK used FALL! GRAND FATHER CLOCK FELL on DAVE! It’s super effective! GRAND FATHER CLOCK is hit by the recoil! GRAND FATHER CLOCK’s still running FAST! GRAND FATHER CLOCK’s BIOLOGICAL CLOCK just RAN OUT! GRAND FATHER CLOCK died! DAVE gained the title: TIME KILLER! Hey! That’s not fair. He died of natural causes. Which DAVE accelerated! …Aw hell. Time to hit the road, I guess. NARRATOR isn’t sure if SANDY VERSION has a CONCEPT of TIME anymore! …Do any versions have a concept of time? I mean, things only happen if they’re narrated to happen, aren’t they? …As NARRATOR was going to say… It’s not very effective! NARRATOR is still the SOLE ARBITOR of TEMPORAL CONDITIONS in SANDY VERSION! NARRATOR DECIDES when it is TIME for things to START! NARRATOR DECIDES how much TIME PASSES! NARRATOR DECIDES when it is TIME for things to END! NARRATOR DECIDES that it is TIME for its PROGRAM! NARRATOR ran away! Join us next non-descript unit of arbitrarially defined time for another exciting edition of Sandy Version. |
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